Emotions Don't Have A Timeline

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When our teens feel a certain emotion that we deem as negative, we want to help them escape the emotion.

We don’t like to see them feeling anxious, depressed, sad, lonely. We offer up suggestions or things that will help them feel better.

*I bought you this video game.

*Let’s go get ice cream.

*Why don’t you call a friend and go on a walk?

Or we try to convince them there are so many reason they shouldn’t be feeling that way.

*Nothing bad is going to happen. Put your shoes on and get in the car.

*Do you know how lucky/blessed you are. Let me tell you…

*You have a bad attitude, so just cheer up right now.

Emotions don’t have a timeline.

The only reason we want to hurry our children along to better feelings is because we think if they feel better then we will feel better. We don’t like seeing our children upset so we try to help them get happy so we can be happy.

Emotional health is being able to handle all the emotions that come. We can watch our children experience anxiety and allow the discomfort we feel because they are feeling anxiety. There is no need to rush them to a better feeling. In fact, in the rushing we might prolong the emotion.

Have you ever noticed that when you hold in an emotion and try to push it away that it expresses itself eventually in even bigger ways?

Let’s look at an example of this in action:

Spouse comes home late. (It bugs me but I don’t say anything.)

Spouse forgets to pay a bill. (It’s annoying, but I don’t say anything.)

Spouse turns the TV on when I’m trying to talk about something important. (I’m frustrated, but I don’t say anything.)

Spouse leaves wet towel on the bedroom floor. (I explode. I yell and rant and slam a door.)

I’ve been pushing the emotion away so many times that it finally erupts.

Similar things happen when we try to hurry along an emotion that our teen is feeling.

For example:

Teen is sad.

We give them our best speech about pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and putting on a happy face.

Teen comes to dinner table with a smile on their face.

Teen does their chore without complaining.

We ask teen to hang their backpack on the hook and they burst into tears and run to their room.

We are left thinking, “What just happened?”

They weren’t allowed to experience sadness. They resisted it. Pushed it away. Then it erupted.

I’m not saying do nothing. You can receive personal revelation on how best to help your teen. I’m just suggesting you consider that allowing them to feel emotions that make us uncomfortable is okay. It’s human to feel the whole range of emotions.

I was talking with a client recently who thought she should have been over a break up by now. But she still was grieving the loss of the relationship. She was rushing her grief.

When we try to hide an emotion or minimalize it then it gets bigger. Some emotions may come and go in a matter of minutes. Others may last longer - a whole lot longer. Some may carry anxiety around their whole life. But it doesn’t have to be a problem.

Feeling emotions is just part of the human experience.

We’re (Not) the Same…and That’s Okay

He likes Team Sports.  I like Individual Sports.  He'd rather eat Meat.  I'd rather eat Treats.  He likes Classical Rock.  I like Quiet.  He loves driving Stick Shift.  I love driving Automatic.  He'd rather eat Candy.  I'd rather eat Chocolate.  He is Status Quo.  I am Goal Oriented.  He Tosses and Turns  all night.  I Sleep Soundly.  He prefers Strength Training.  I prefer Cardio.  He loves Italian food.  I love Mexican food.  He's always Hot.  I'm always Cold.  He likes to Shower.  I like to Bathe.  He is Sarcastic.  I am Genuine.  He will sit in the Shade.  I will sit in the Sun.  

It must be true that opposites attract.  There must be something to our differences bringing balance to our relationship.  President Uchtdorf gave a talk called “Of Things That Matter Most" and said, "We appreciate our differences as well as our commonalities."  I do appreciate that Mark is always warm and I can cuddle up to him and get warm.  I appreciate that he likes to have fun and has been the instigator behind most of our fun family activities.  I'm glad that he likes to drive on long trips so I can ride shotgun and keep him company (or sleep....)  Some of our differences I don't appreciate (or understand) though--like his finding humor in things I think are dumb.  When I choose to focus on those things, life isn't so good.  But when I focus on the things that matter most, life is good.  We both care about our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  The gospel is very important and we can be found worshipping together and trying to live the best we can.  Family is very important to both of us.  We love each other and our children.  We have always both been hands-on parents--from diaper changing to taking them to college and everything in between.  We love to spend time together.  Those two things -God and Family-trump all the other things.  Who cares if I like to learn and he likes to be entertained?  Who cares if he likes dill pickles and I like sweet pickles?  When we love someone, we embrace the differences and the commonalities.

Loving What Is

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A lot of our pain and suffering in life comes from wishing things were different than they actually are.  

I wish there was more money in my checking account.

I wish my teen wouldn’t sass me.

I wish I had 5 minutes of peace.

I wish I didn’t have to go to the grocery store again.

I wish my dad was still alive.

I wish I didn’t have so much to do this week.

I wish my nose wasn’t so big.

I wish my allergies weren’t bugging me.

I wish my kids got along better.

I wish I was more stylish.

I wish my daughter didn’t get a tattoo.

Epictetus, a Greek philosopher, said, “We suffer only when we want things to be different from what they are.”  So, us humans have been doing this—longing for things to be different—for a long time.   

Have you ever thought about why you want things to be different?  

We think we will be happier.  That’s what it all boils down to.  We all just want to be happier.  But instead of creating more happiness for ourselves, we create more suffering by wishing things were different.  

Is it possible to be happy with what is?  And if so, how? 

(A) Recognize that you are having a human experience.  We actually shouted for joy when God announced the plan for us to come to earth and experience pleasure and pain, happiness and sadness, trials and triumphs.  We signed up for this.  We chose this. We want this.  Understanding that we wouldn’t even know what happiness was if we didn’t have the contrast of sadness.  Realizing that we wouldn’t appreciate health if we didn’t know sickness.  Grasping the importance of agency when we’ve been a recipient of force.  Can we at least agree that negative emotions are important even necessary for us to experience so that we can recognize the positive emotions?  Can I love the sadness, the scarcity, the regret because they show me happiness, abundance, and forgiveness?

(B) Love what is for what it can teach us.  Think about how much we’ve learned and grown since we were a baby.  Let’s use learning to walk as an example.  Babies have so many failures while learning to walk.  They fall down, get bruises, and cry.  Yet they keep trying until they get it.  They learn along the way what is working and what is not working.  And the world is opened up with new possibilities because they chose not to just wish they could walk but to actually keep trying and finding ways to make things better.  Sometimes we learn new skills and how to make things happen.  Sometimes we learn how to accept.  But there is always a learning experience if we allow the teaching moment.  

(C) Understand the power of our thoughts.  It’s our thoughts—the way we think about our situation—that is causing the suffering.  I can be upset because I only have $352.67 in my checking account.  But someone else may be ecstatic.  It’s not the dollar amount making us upset. It’s our thoughts about the dollar amount.  All of the above thoughts can cause pain….or they can cause pleasure.  Someone may feel overwhelmed by how much they have to do this week; while someone else may be overjoyed by all the things on their calendar.  Someone may be upset that their kids don’t get along better; while someone else may admire the skills they are learning while they figure out relationship dynamics.  Because of our amazing brains, we can explore thoughts and what feelings they are creating in our lives and choose thoughts that bring feelings we want.  

(D) Choose suffering and pain.  Sometimes we just want to feel pain.  We want to be sad that our parents have passed.  We want to grieve the loss of a relationship.  We want to be angry at inhumaneness.  In these cases, we give ourselves permission to feel.  We notice the feeling and we like our reasons why we are feeling that way and we decide to sit with it for as long as it needs to be there.  Even in these situations, can we find peace in what is?  

Our power lies in knowing that we get to choose—A, B, C, D—it’s our choice.  Just like everything, it’s a process.  

So don’t wish you were farther along on the “loving what is” spectrum.  Don’t compare yourself to others.  Don’t wish you were different.  Love where you are right now.  

I'm Bored

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This week I visited several young women from church and when asked how they were doing they said, “I’m bored.”  

It seems like the things that used to bring them pleasure-reading, watching shows, laying around doing nothing-have lost their appeal.  

We may think Covid19 plays a role in boredom-on a whole we are “stuck” at home more with less options.  But Covid19 is a circumstance.  And circumstances don’t cause boredom.  Our thoughts do.  And the thoughts that create the feeling of boredom have been around for ages.

There’s nothing to do.

I’m sick of doing the same old thing.  

This task is tedious.

Nothing sounds fun.

It’s these thoughts that create the feeling of boredom.

When I was a teenager, telling my parents that I was bored brought the response, “Oh good!  You’re bored.  Well, let me give you a list of about 20 chores that will cure your boredom!”  

Boredom doesn’t need to be cured.  It isn’t a problem.  

If our children are bored, we want to give them a list of chores or fun activities to relieve the feeling ASAP.  

What if boredom is a necessary feeling?  

Slavoj Zizek said, “I think boredom is the beginning of every authentic act.  Boredom opens up the space for new engagements.  Without boredom, no creativity.  If you are not bored, you just stupidly enjoy the situation in which you are.”

When we hear our children say, “I’m bored” it is like a trigger for our thoughts and feelings:

They shouldn’t be bored. (Annoyance)

I’ve got a million things to do.  How can you be bored?  (Anger)

It must be nice. (Jealous)

What if we believed that boredom is a part of life?  What if we believed that boredom is the steeping stone to creativity?  Would we be more willing to allow it to be there?  To not be resistant to our teens experiencing it?  

Think about how boredom feels in your body.  This is how it feels for me:

My arms feel really heavy.

My body feels slumpy-like a bean bag chair.

My head feels like an empty black hole.

It may feel a little uncomfortable.  But there is no danger in feeling heavy arms, a slumpy body, and a black hole for a brain for a little while.

So let your teens feel bored.  Don’t try to fix it.  As they learn to allow boredom in their bodies, they learn to relax which opens up the mind space for creativity.  

Connecting the Dots

A basic human need is to feel connected.  

How we connect varies greatly. 

I admire my daughter who can strike up a conversation with the salesperson ringing up her purchases.  There is a connection for that brief moment.  Recently I was getting a pedicure and wanted to follow her example to have a connection with the pedicurist.  I literally thought for a few minutes before I started the conversation, “What do we have in common?”  “Where do I start?”  

Do you think that about your connection with your teen?  “What do we have in common?”  “Where do I start?”

Connect with your teen by remembering the acronym DOTS.

Disconnect from social media.  President Nelson initially invited youth to a 7-day social media fast.  Then he invited those attending the 2018 General Women’s session to “participate in a 10-day fast from social media.”  He went on to say, “The effect of your 10-day fast may surprise you.”  What if disconnecting from social media was the key to connecting with your teen.  Would you do it?  How often are we scrolling while someone is talking to us?  Or they are scrolling while we are talking to them?  Putting the phone down sends a message that we are ready and available for having a human in-person connection.  Scrolling has the opposite affect.  It sends the message I’m busy.  

Open up to new ways of feeling connected.  I fall into the trap that being connected means having this deep, meaningful heart-to-heart talk that leads to an emotional bond.  What if we can connect through a smile, a text, or a kind word?  Entertain the idea that you don’t have to go on a 7-day Disney Cruise to connect but can do small acts that go a long way.  Coronavirus has certainly given us the opportunity to look at feeling connected in different ways.  

Try again and again and again.  My first attempt at conversation with the pedicurist fell flat.  So did the second attempt.  Success is in the trying.  Eventually the stars align and we find a topic, a gesture, or a shared moment that sparks the connection.  

Spend time together.  Some people experience love at first sight.  An immediate connection.  But for many of us that connection develops over time.  Maybe you’ve been “stuck” with your family since March and are thinking, “I’m sick of spending time with these people.”  How can you make the time you spend with them more meaningful?  

Connecting the dots was more than just a fun children’s past time.  It also helped them learn hand-eye coordination and numerical skills.  Connecting the dots with our teens can also be a fun learning experience as we play with new ways to connect and reveal a more satisfying relationship.  

Choosing My Niche

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The tools I learned while attending The Life Coach School are amazing!  They have blessed my life.

The tools have helped me reach goals I’ve had on my goal list for years.

The tools have helped me manage my mind.  

Question my belief system.  

Identify my feelings.  

Create space for others to live their life despite how I think they should be doing it.  

The tools have helped me explore my inherent worth and unconditional love for myself and others.  

Taught me how to separate fact from story.

I could go on…

Once I learned these tools, I can’t help but want to share them.  I just want to help all the people.  

But, choosing a niche allows me to provide more quality to a group of people.  By focusing on a certain area I can spend my time and energy providing more value in one area rather than trying to go too broad. 

With much pondering, I have chosen my niche:  I work with LDS Moms who want an eternal relationship with their teens now.

My children are all grown and having children of their own.  I know times are different now than even six years ago when my youngest was a teenager.  

But these tools are fundamental.  They are the basics to mind management, emotional maturity, taking conscious action, and creating results we want in our lives.  They can be applied to any situation.  I feel strongly that these skills can help you have an eternal relationship with your teen now.  

I haven’t forgotten the first time one of my children said, “I hate you.”  I remember broken curfews (not just for them, but for me when I was a teenager too!  My parents’ consequence for coming in late was that I had to come home that much earlier next time.  Their big joke was that “Lori was coming in before she was leaving.”) I remember my teens big emotions.  Painful friendships. Faith questions and doubts.  The list could go on.  

Joyce Maynard said, “It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it myself.”  

I’m excited to help you find a little slice of heaven in your relationship with your teen.  Please join me by learning the skills that will be life changing for you and for your youth as you lead by example.  

Enjoy the Journey

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Sometimes I forget to enjoy the journey.  I get so Uber-focused on the task at hand or especially achieving the result I’m after that I forget to stop and smell the roses.  The last several months have been like that.

I knew compiling my personal history was going to take time.  I knew I was going to have to focus to get it done. Covid19 actually helped me in that area.  It removed a lot of distractions.  But I feel like I’ve been stuck in my office for six months.  The fresh air, sunshine, and the birds are calling my name.

I’m ready to jump to the next project.  I’m excited to get started.

But it’s been like I’ve been holding my breath.  And I needed to exhale…and inhale…and exhale before jumping in again.

I love balance.  

Work and Play

Self-care and Service 

Saving and Spending

People time and Me time.  

A lot of times we get in this either/or mentality.  

Either I save every penny or I spend every penny.  

Either I eat healthy or I eat all the foods.  

Either I clean the whole house or none of the house.  

Either I scroll for hours or give up all scrolling.

What if we could do it all?  What if work felt like play?  

As I write this I’ve moved out of the office and am sitting on the porch while the birds serenade me.  I’m “working” (writing my blog) while “playing” (enjoying nature.)  

What if people time was also me time?  

Mind boggling, right?   

What if while I was writing my personal history I had allowed myself to call my sister and reminisce or took a few minutes to tell my grandchildren about a time I played truth or dare and it came back to haunt me.  

Unfortunately, I scanned pictures and wrote essays as fast as I could because I was focused on the end result.  I’m sure I thought it would take longer if I stopped to reflect.  But what if that’s not true.  

What if the slowing down, speeds us up?  What if mixing the two energizes us and makes us more productive?

I’m going to try it with my next project.  I’m going to enjoy the journey.  I’m going to breath and focus.   I’m going to have fun while I progress at my goal.  It feels totally do-able.  

Results We Want

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Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over in my life?  How can I get different results?  

If your actions aren’t bringing the results you want, you’re not alone.  We are creatures of habit.  We tend to be repetitive in our actions because we’ve delegated a lot of things to our primitive brain.  We don’t think about walking (pick up left foot, set down left foot, pick up right foot, set down right foot.) Or brushing our teeth.  Or sometimes even driving from work to home.  

So a lot of times we act. We act without thinking.

That is a handy skill for the habits we want to keep.  But not so handy when we decide to do something new.  Our brain wants to rebel.  It likes to be efficient.  Doing things the old way is efficient for our brain.  

Getting different results is achievable.  It just takes effort.  

First step: Decide what result you want.

Second step: Think about what a person who has that result would do.

Third step: What feeling will drive those actions?

Fourth step:  What thought is going to create that feeling?

Weight loss is such a relatable example, so let’s try it out.

Result I want: Lose 15 pounds

Actions: Meal plan, eat healthy, go on a daily walk, etc

Feeling: Committed

Thought: I feel better when I eat healthy.

Seems simple, huh?  

Anything worth doing takes effort.  And effort equals the results we want.  When we are willing to do the hard things-change our thinking, commit, take required actions-then we get the results we want.  

It means being willing to dismiss the sneaky thoughts from the old belief system that want to keep returning.  It means being willing to feel all the feelings-discomfort, urges, etc.  It means being willing to stick to our action plan even when we don’t want to.

This can work for every result we want.

Let’s try one more.

Result: Be a good citizen

Actions: help my neighbors, volunteer in my community, respect others rights, obey laws, vote for elected officials, etc

Feeling: Invested

Thought: The United States of America is my country.

What results are you trying to create?  How will you need to think, feel, and act to make it happen?  

Showing Up

I don’t know.  It’s a common answer our brain likes to offer. 

Mine has been offering it to me this week.

Just when I think I have an idea about what to do, then I hear conflicting opinions and “I don’t know” creeps back in.

What ends up happening is nothing.  No decision.  No progress. 

It can happen with everything in our lives. Do this. Don’t do that. The mixed messages confuse me.

I read.  I ponder.  I think I know what to do. It’s not a good idea after all.  It becomes overwhelming.  I don’t know what to do.  But I want to do something.

Something beneficial. 

I want to do something.

I refuse to live in overwhelm which produces nothing.

I will do something.  I will make decisions.  I will move forward.  It may be wrong, but I will learn.  I will make a better decision next time.  I will keep trying.  Because getting it wrong and learning and trying again is better than doing nothing at all. 

Allowing the Feelings

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Emotions are a part of life. 

We often label our emotions as good or bad.  The ones we want to feel and the ones we don’t want to feel.  Even the “bad” emotions serve a useful purpose.  We would never know what serenity is if we never experienced anger. Emotions not only give us a comparison but they also provide value.  We think we just want to feel happy all the time, but we don’t really want to be happy when someone we love dies, when there is social injustice, or when we are experiencing physical pain. 

So we know we are going to experience an array of emotions.  The question is how to deal with those emotions.

We process our emotions in four different ways.  We can (1) react, (2) resist, (3) avoid, and/or (4) allow. 

Reacting occurs when we behave in response to the emotion.  My husband says something that angers me. I’m reacting if I yell at him, slam cupboard doors, or even give him the silent treatment.  When we react, we usually end up mirroring the behavior we don’t like. 

Resisting occurs when I deny that I’m feeling an emotion.  I’m sad about not getting a job.  I push down the feelings and don’t allow myself to grieve.  When we try to push a ball down in the swimming pool eventually our arms get tired and the ball pushes upward with full force.  This happens with emotions that we resist.  Eventually they rear their ugly head in full force. 

Avoiding occurs when we try not to think about our emotions.  Instead we end up eating them or using other substances (mindless scrolling, alcohol, shopping) to try to keep distracted from what’s really going on. 

Processing emotions these three ways almost always leads to a net negative effect.  We end up growing negative emotions.  It may feel good at first to yell, to distract, to shop but really we are just providing a temporary distraction.

Allowing an emotion is the most healthy way to deal with our emotions.  It takes practice because we are so used to using one of the other tactics.  We allow an emotion by first identifying it.  I am feeling anger.  Then describe how it feels.  A burning sensation inside my chest that feels like it’s about to explode.  Notice the thoughts you are having that are creating the emotion.  Write them down.  Notice how you’ve created the emotion with your thoughts.  Know that you created this emotion with your thoughts and you can uncreate it with your thoughts.  You might not want to.  You might want to.

Neuroscientist Jill Bolte-Taylor noted in her memoir My Stroke of Insight that “the physiological lifespan of an emotion in the body and brain is 90 seconds.”

That’s if we allow it.  If we fuel it with every injustice we’ve experienced then it can last a life time. 

Why do emotions matter?  Because they fuel our actions.  If we let anger take over, we end up fighting anger with anger.  If we allow anger – recognize it, process it, let it pass-then we can move to another emotion that has the potential to bring more positive results.