Photo by Stefan Stefancik on Unsplash
Emotions are a part of life.
We often label our emotions as good or bad. The ones we want to feel and the ones we don’t want to feel. Even the “bad” emotions serve a useful purpose. We would never know what serenity is if we never experienced anger. Emotions not only give us a comparison but they also provide value. We think we just want to feel happy all the time, but we don’t really want to be happy when someone we love dies, when there is social injustice, or when we are experiencing physical pain.
So we know we are going to experience an array of emotions. The question is how to deal with those emotions.
We process our emotions in four different ways. We can (1) react, (2) resist, (3) avoid, and/or (4) allow.
Reacting occurs when we behave in response to the emotion. My husband says something that angers me. I’m reacting if I yell at him, slam cupboard doors, or even give him the silent treatment. When we react, we usually end up mirroring the behavior we don’t like.
Resisting occurs when I deny that I’m feeling an emotion. I’m sad about not getting a job. I push down the feelings and don’t allow myself to grieve. When we try to push a ball down in the swimming pool eventually our arms get tired and the ball pushes upward with full force. This happens with emotions that we resist. Eventually they rear their ugly head in full force.
Avoiding occurs when we try not to think about our emotions. Instead we end up eating them or using other substances (mindless scrolling, alcohol, shopping) to try to keep distracted from what’s really going on.
Processing emotions these three ways almost always leads to a net negative effect. We end up growing negative emotions. It may feel good at first to yell, to distract, to shop but really we are just providing a temporary distraction.
Allowing an emotion is the most healthy way to deal with our emotions. It takes practice because we are so used to using one of the other tactics. We allow an emotion by first identifying it. I am feeling anger. Then describe how it feels. A burning sensation inside my chest that feels like it’s about to explode. Notice the thoughts you are having that are creating the emotion. Write them down. Notice how you’ve created the emotion with your thoughts. Know that you created this emotion with your thoughts and you can uncreate it with your thoughts. You might not want to. You might want to.
Neuroscientist Jill Bolte-Taylor noted in her memoir My Stroke of Insight that “the physiological lifespan of an emotion in the body and brain is 90 seconds.”
That’s if we allow it. If we fuel it with every injustice we’ve experienced then it can last a life time.
Why do emotions matter? Because they fuel our actions. If we let anger take over, we end up fighting anger with anger. If we allow anger – recognize it, process it, let it pass-then we can move to another emotion that has the potential to bring more positive results.
