We Want Impossible Things

We Want Impossible Things.

Get over it.

Have my cake and eat it too. 

Wisdom in a nutshell. Concise advice that seems simple. 

“Have my cake and eat it too” is an old phrase meaning 

—we want to enjoy the best of both worlds. 

—we want to enjoy the fruit without putting in the labor. 

—we want the pleasure but not the pain. 

In Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, Veruca Salt says, “I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It’s my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now.”

We want what we want. And we want it now. 

—I want to eat these donuts and pray to God that my migraines won’t come back.

—I want to feel love, but I don’t choose it.

—I want my relationship with my mother to change, but all I think about is how SHE needs to change. 

You know what I think? 

—You can have impossible things. 

—You can get over it. 

—You can have your cake and eat it too. 

But it takes effort. 

It takes time. 

It takes improved habits, improved thinking, improved feeling. 

Are YOU willing to put in the effort? Are you willing to let it take time? 

Keep your HOPE alive. Keep striving for the results you want. Remember you are in for the long game. It’s okay if it doesn’t happen according to your time frame. 

I don’t eat healthy one day and watch my A1C numbers decrease. 

I don’t say “I love you” to my husband every day for a week and hear him say it back.

I manage myself but don’t expect others to manage themselves. 

I’m changing.

I’m moving in the right direction. 

I’m becoming. 

Want the seemingly impossible, but ask yourself, “Am I willing to put in the effort and am I willing to be in this for the long game?”

This concludes my thoughts on my migraine journey. I know it’s not over. I’m in for the long game. I haven’t given up. I still have hope. I still have questions. I still don’t have answers. 

Some things we have more control over than others. But we always have control.  We always have power. Our control/power lies in the way we think, feel, and act. Don’t be a victim of your circumstance. Figure out where your agency lies and make small strides in that area. 

Thoughts I’m still working on in this journey:

—This is supposed to be happening.

—My migraine is my teacher.

—How I am thinking about my migraines right now is not wrong. (For example: Sometimes I think, “This shouldn’t be happening.” I know this isn’t a helpful thought because I’m arguing with reality. It is happening. But I’m not going to berate myself for feeling that way. I’m going to give myself grace.)

Feelings I’m still working on in this journey:

—Acceptance (It’s happening.)

—Inquisitive (What more can I learn about my body and the connections between my pain and my lifestyle?)

—Empathy (For others with chronic pain.)

—Patience

Actions I’m still working on in this journey:

—Managing my lifestyle

—Seeking information

—Checking in with my intuition and questioning my intuition

I want the miracle. I want prayers to be answered. I want the magic wand, the genie in the bottle, the happily ever after. I also want to live a full life. I want the yin and the yang. I want to enjoy being me. Watching myself learn and grow and master and feeling surprised with things I’d never thought of before. I want empathy and compassion for others and if my journey is the way that leads me to that, then I must welcome it. 

Good luck/skills on your journey. Sending love, Lori

Personal Failure

“We get the idea that everything is within our control and that every difficulty that we are having is just a personal failure.”—Conscious Life Super Conference

No.

Stop it right there.

We have lots of choices in life and the one we tend to gravitate towards is blame. Whose fault is it? It’s convenient to lay blame on ourselves or someone else. When we are looking for answers, blame is a convenient solution. 

If it helps you, then keep using it.

I bet it’s not helping though. I bet it’s keeping you stuck.

So if we don’t choose blame, what can we choose?

Curiosity

—Why didn’t that work?

—Is there another way to move forward?

—How can I utilize what I already know?

—What if I approached it with a completely new perspective?

Acceptance

—This is just going to be hard and I’m all in for it.

—This problem is my new blessing.

—This is part of my life, yet I won’t make it my center of focus. 

Humble

—I will care for others.

—I will not judge my weaknesses or the weaknesses of others.

—I will seek help. 

Confidence

—I am a spiritual being having a human experience. 

—Everything is figureoutable.

—I can handle whatever comes my way.

These are just a few, but there are a hundred other choices. Try a new emotion on and see if it fits better than blame.

Don’t settle for blame. 

What feeling choice do you think will help you the most?

Fact vs. Story

We want solutions.

The way we are going to get there is by looking at the facts.

What did I eat?

How did I sleep?

How much water did I drink?

Those are the facts. The numbers. The indisputable record on my tracking sheet. I kept meticulous records but now I don’t even want to go back and look at them. 

My brain is saying, “Throw in the towel. It was a fluke. Nothing is going to change. You just need to manage your present state.” 

My brain is also saying, “You have all the information. It’s not going to hurt to take a closer look. You might learn something valuable.”

The pull is always for the easiest solution (throw in the towel—go back to the status quo.)

But is that really easier? 

Live with something that is causing me so much pain or continue to look for answers?

To have hope that the next thing just might work?

Instead of looking at the facts, we tend to create stories.

Migraine Story: I’m doing everything I can. I don’t understand what is happening. I’m getting my sleep. I’m avoiding migraine-triggering foods. 

We do the same things with our relationships.

Relationship Story: He always does that. I’m always on my best behavior around him, but he’s always grouchy.

Look at your subjective words: always, never, everything.  

No one always does something.

No one does everything they can.

Then look at your behavior. We tend to want to observe the other person’s behavior and put it on trial. 

The facts don’t lie. Our stories can be deceiving.

I examined my food journal. 

The story I was telling myself is that I didn’t do anything different from March to April. 

Yet I didn’t have a migraine in March and I did have one in April.

The facts showed me the truth.

When I look at my food journal for March, I have one food in the restricted column. When I look at my food journal for April, I have 20 items in the restricted column! What?! I had no idea. I thought I was on my best behavior. 

The facts don’t lie.  

Are you drawing conclusions from the facts or the story you’ve been repeating?

Celebrate the Victories

Guess what? Whatever I did worked! 

I’m unsure exactly what made the difference or if it was a cumulative effect. In February I started to implement the changes. On March 1, I began tracking the changes. That month I felt the migraine like clock work but it never got above a .5 on the pain scale. I knew it was there but it wasn’t debilitating me. I did all the Act Fast advice I’d been given. 

Cue the Hope! 

I sometimes wonder if the small and simple things I do make a difference. 

For my health:

—Does water intake really matter?

—Sleep?

—Breaks from my cellphone?

In my relationships:

—Do acknowledgments at the crossroads really matter?

—Positive words?

—Expressing gratitude?

Sometimes obvious results are slow to see.

It’s hard to see what is changing in the body for our health. 

It is hard to see what is changing in the heart for our relationships. 

When something goes well, celebrate!

Because something else is going to be around the corner that is disconcerting. Not to disappoint you, but you know something else always comes along to keep you on your toes, to keep you learning, and to help you integrate changes. We know we are going to feel all the feels that the next disconcerting thing brings—-worry, fear, disappointment. Often we don’t celebrate because we allow ourselves to look ahead at what might be coming next and feel those feelings instead. 

I had two choices.

1. Feel present celebratory feelings: hope, happiness, relief

2. Feel future feelings: doubt, fear, angst

Did that really happen? Was it a fluke? Will it be back next month?

My good old friend Migraine was back in full force in April. I felt disappointed, sad, baffled. 

I was glad I’d allowed myself the good feelings.  We can choose to live in 100% negative emotions or embrace the 50/50 of life. 

Do I celebrate the small victories in my relationship or focus solely on the disappointing aspects?

Become an Investigator

You’ve gathered information. You’ve tried stuff. Things still aren’t better.

Don’t give up. If it is important to you, keep trying.

If you are on a trip and you come to a red light, you don’t throw your hands up in the air and turn around and go home. If your plane is delayed, you don’t cancel your trip. You keep pressing towards your destination. It’s going to take some work and figuring things out, but you are still going to reach for your desired result. 

Become an investigator.

Look at what you’ve learned.

Ask yourself new questions.

Look for new insights. 

Figure out strategies for each obstacle that presents itself.

Recently, my back started hurting.  My first thought was “I must have slept funny.”

I think a lot of times we look to what happened shortly before “the incident” to diagnose the problem. But this isn’t always the case.

—Two little brothers are playing on the living room floor. Little brother hits bigger brother. We think that big brother must have done something. Could be…could not be. Maybe little brother got an ear infection two days ago and he’s just in a lot of pain and chose that moment to react. Two days ago.

—A husband and wife are getting ready for a fancy dinner party. Wife has tried on numerous outfits. Husband says, “You look amazing. Let’s go.” Wife says, “Don’t rush me! You always rush me.” Husband wonders if he rushes his wife. In reality, she’s just remember getting ready for a fancy event when she was in college. Her roommate was critical of what she was wearing and now wife is remembering that and snaps at her husband. Five years ago.

With my back pain, I think, “My back hurts. I must have slept funny. My mattress is old. I should buy a new mattress.”

Don’t always jump to the first conclusion. Is this heartburn because of what I ate for lunch? Is his anger from what I said? 

Become an investigator.

Ask questions.

—Could it have been the gardening I did a couple days ago? Did I pull a muscle?

—Is it my mattress?

—Was it that new strength workout I tried?

—Did I eat something that is causing me pain?

Ask questions.

—Am I satisfied with my behavior?

—Could his reaction have to do with something else?

—Is this worth discussing or should I let it go?

We ascribe certain results to certain actions. Get clear on the correlation or the incongruity. Look for the red herrings that might be throwing you off. 

Do you think there is still something to be learned?

Why is it important to you to figure it out?

Expectations

We have expectations. 

I’m putting in all this work, so I expect things to change. 

Quickly. 

That’s not the way it works much of the time.

You don’t need to lower your expectations.

You may need to adjust your expectations.

Expect new things.

Expect it to be hard. 

Expect not to get what you want even though you are doing everything you can think of to do.

Expect to grow.

Expect to let yourself down.

Expect the other person/situation to let you down.

Expect to make a new plan as needed.

Expect to master yourself.

Expect to feel better even if nothing changes (migraines don’t disappear, other person doesn’t change).

Expect to be confused.

Expect to have your own back—confidence in yourself.

Expect to be hopeful.

Expect to be disappointed.

Expect to want to give up, settle, live in the status quo.

Expect to commit to forever.

We create high expectations for ourselves.

I’m going to try this and it’s going to work. 

When it doesn’t work, we tend to lower our expectations—like to ground zero.

“This is never going to change.”

It may or may not change

But you change. 

You become a person who shows up the way you expect yourself to.

You become a person who expects to be able to handle the situation no matter what life throws at you.

You even have your back when you show up less than stellar. 

Expect to show up less than stellar some of the times.

Expect to try again. 

Would adjusting your expectations be helpful?

Do you have fears around adjusting your expectations?

One Foot in Front of the Other

Once we make a decision, it’s time to create a plan. A plan that will help us put our desire into actionable steps.

In my situation, I decided to try everything I could think of at once.

—Eliminate ten main trigger foods for migraines.

—Keep a food journal.

—Start taking a multivitamin.

—Create a nighttime ritual. Sleep mask on by 10 pm. No phone after 9 pm. No looking at my phone if I wake up in the middle of the night.

—Track my sleep.

—Meditate 10 minutes daily.

—Change my computer set up so my neck was in better alignment to the screen.

—Rid my house of  toxic cleaning products.

—Use non-toxic make-up, shampoo, lotions, etc.

—Create some healthy mantras. (My body is telling me something; what am I hearing? God is doing the behind the scene work. This headache will serve me in the long run.)

—Limit my exercising.

—10 minutes of fresh air a day.

—Track water intake. Drink 65 ounces/day.

—When migraine surfaces, do the Act Fast advice. 

I say “at once” but it was gradual…and on-going…

The important thing is not to spin in overwhelm. Try brainstorming a list of all the things that would benefit the change you are seeking. If it works better for you, pick one. Concentrate on it. Master it. Add another item from your list. 

The important thing is the forward momentum. Even when we take a step back, readjust to forward momentum.  

Nothing is going to change if we don’t seek change. 

In our relationships, we can’t control the other person. I couldn’t control my migraines either.

“Migraine, please stop coming around.”

“Migraine, I don’t want you to act like this anymore.”

“Migraine, you need to shape up or ship out.”

I can only control myself. 

What I do.

How I respond.

Live with integrity with who you want to be in every situation.

You decide what forward momentum looks like for you. The other person doesn’t need to be going forward. Only you. Work on that.

Are you closer or farther away from your desired result?

Are you rating your success or failure in achieving your initiative or on your growth?

Help!

We can’t expect to keep doing the same thing repeatedly and get different results. We do it though. I did it for three years. That’s okay. I am on it now. Now is better than never. 

One day I woke up committed to figuring out my migraines.

Obviously, I wasn’t figuring this out on my own.

Sometimes we need outside help.

**I made an appointment with my local medical clinic. I had bloodwork done. They ordered a CT head scan. They ordered a prescription of Imitrex.  

I really didn’t want to mask the pain. I wanted to not have migraines anymore. I reluctantly picked up the prescription. I avoided the phone calls for the CT scan. My inner knowing was telling me that I didn’t have a mass or abnormality. 

I decided to get serious about attempting to heal my migraines naturally if I could. I’m not opposed to taking necessary medical measures, I just wanted to be sure that I had done everything I could before resorting to that. And I was grateful to have the prescription and tests in my back pocket. But I wanted more information. 

**I came across the website of Functional Medical Practitioner, Meg Mill at megmimll.com 

For my email address, I received a pdf download “Say Goodbye to Headaches Naturally.” The booklet has an eight-item protocol checklist and I got to work. It also included Act Fast advice for when you feel one coming on. 

**I asked friends, listened to podcasts, joined Facebook groups. So much advice! Botox. Daith Piercing. Cold Therapy. Essential Oils. Acupuncture. Massages. Vyepti Infusions. Prescriptions.

Not all advice is created equal. Not all advice is specific to you. You know you. Gather information. Ask for help. Then decide what resonates with you. 

—Would seeking outside help improve my relationship?

—If I’ve already sought outside help, am I following the protocol?

(I know each of our experiences is unique. Please don’t take the things I’m sharing as a recipe for you. What I do want you to think about is ways you can provide relief in your life. Sometimes it may be finding solutions. Other times it may be making peace with the situation. Mainly I want you to ask yourself questions that will help bring enlightenment to you for you. )

A Closer Look

At some point in those three years, I started tracking my migraines. It was then that I realized they were coming monthly at pretty much the same time of the month. That is probably what contributed to my thinking of them as a gravity problem. For over 40 years of my life, my menstrual cycle came on the regular. Nothing I could do (or wanted to do) about that. 

I looked at other possible causes.

—In October 2020 I had my last menstrual cycle. Could my migraines have something to do with menopause?

—In February 2021, I received a new responsibility in my church. It was busy and required a lot of meetings, activities, and interactions with other humans :) The big activities coincided with the weekends my migraines tended to surface. Was stress and exhaustion contributing to my migraines?

—In June 2021, I ended up in the emergency room for overhydration. Could an electrolyte imbalance be causing my migraines?

—In August 2021 I contracted COVID-19. One of my most debilitating symptoms was a headache. I would come to call that my first migraine. Could my migraines have something to do with COVID?

I still don’t have any answers, but I have more information.

In our relationships, the reason we might want to look more closely at potential causes is so that we have more information to work with. Not so that we can cast blame—on ourselves or others. But so we can have a broader scope of insight that will help as we attempt to move forward. 

—Do you have ideas about the causes of your relationship woes?

(I know each of our experiences is unique. Please don’t take the things I’m sharing as a recipe for you. What I do want you to think about is ways you can provide relief in your life. Sometimes it may be finding solutions. Other times it may be making peace with the situation. Mainly I want you to ask yourself questions that will help bring enlightenment to you for you.)

Gravity Problem

Three years ago I started having migraines.

I just suffered with them for three years before I even thought to explore the cause of them.

In the book Designing Your Life, Bill Burnett and Dave Evans talk about gravity problems. Gravity problems are problems we can’t do anything about. I can’t solve gravity. “It’s a situation, a circumstance, a fact of life.” 

I guess I just thought my migraines were a gravity problem. They came monthly on the regular. I just assumed it was part of life and I just pressed forward masking the pain. OTC migraine medicine worked for a year and then stopped working. Personally, I’m not a big fan of medicine, so much of the time I’d just muster through them or try things like an ice pack. 

In life coaching, we teach causal coaching. Let’s get to the cause. It took me three years, but I decided to see if my migraines were solvable. 

Has that happened to you? You are just plugging along in your relationships and all of a sudden you are three years down the road wondering how and why you are in this place. How did you let it go on so long? 

If you are thinking your relationship is a gravity problem—unsolvable, a fact of life, just the way it is, baby—I’d like you to think about your relationship as I talk about my migraines.

—Have you been suffering without really trying to problem-solve? Going through the same motions and hoping for different results?

—If you knew there was a solution and you also knew it would take a lot of work on your part and an investment of time, would you be willing to start down that road of healing? What if it takes a year? Or two? Or three?

—Have you given up?

We have a lot more power than we recognize. We also have a lot of resources (God, literature, coaches, therapists, doctors, etc) We also have time. 

I know each of our experiences is unique. Please don’t take the things I’m sharing as a recipe for you. What I do want you to think about is ways you can provide relief in your life. Sometimes it may be finding solutions. Other times it may be making peace with the situation. Mainly I want you to ask yourself questions that will help bring enlightenment to you for you. 

May God bless you on your journey.