Balance

Photo by Bekir Donmez on Unsplash

Goal Setting is my jam.

There have been years when I’ve set goals for my health, family, finances, spirituality, relationships, and personal growth.  Which in the end meant I dabbled in all of them but didn’t really achieve success in any of them. 

When we think about a balanced life, oftentimes we think we are a well-rounded person.  But sometimes it just means we are spread too thin.

This year I learned about a concept called constraint.  It’s been hard to practice it.  I chose one area of my life to create a result.  I wanted to write my personal history.  As a side note, as I’ve been going through old papers and pictures I discovered “writing my personal history” has been one of my goals for over 10 years.  Well, not this time.  This time I am practicing constraint.  It is my main focus.  I set a goal to complete it within six months and I’m on track.  But that’s only because I’ve been willing to feel restricted and stifled and confined as I’ve stayed focused on my one goal, as I’ve stuck with my plan, and not allowed my brain to get overwhelmed by other possibilities.  Which it has so wanted to do.  When the fun wears off, the excitement of new areas of focus creep in.  For me the planning is the fun part.  The execution can cause me to feel weighed down and then I just want to go into planning mode on a new project and convince myself that it’s okay to put the first project on hold a little longer.

I have evidence that constraint works.  I made a six-year plan to get my bachelor’s degree and I did it. Those years my sole goal was to complete the classes required to keep me on track.  Everything else went on the back burner.  I also made a plan to run a ½ marathon.  I followed my training schedule so that when race day came I’d be ready and I was.

I have lots of evidence for when I haven’t practiced constraint too.  Those old goal lists prove it.  I haven’t made my kids their t-shirt quilts from high school events (and you know that they have been out of high school a LONG time since I have grandchildren).  I haven’t written a book (but hang on because that is next on my list!)  I haven’t built up my retirement fund to where it needs to be.

It doesn’t matter if we have evidence from our past to prove or disprove.  What matters is what we want to do now.

What are your top five priorities?  Then examine your 24 hours to see if you are spending your time within those priorities.  Sometimes we have to choose one of our priorities over another.  For example, if my top two priorities are my family and a clean house, I might have to practice constraint by loving on my family while the dirty house gets put on the back burner.  Or I may practice constraint by understanding that teaching my family about cleanliness and working along side them is loving on my family.  If my top two priorities are my family and serving others, I may need to realize that washing loads of laundry, cooking meals, driving kids places, etc is loving on my family and serving others too. 

You might discover that balance comes from focusing on one thing at a time instead of many things at a time. 

Worthy

I’ve been writing my personal history.  I’ve created a two-page spread of pictures of me from birth to 50 years old.  I look at me through the years and think about the experiences that shaped and molded me. 

Last week I had the opportunity to hold my 6-day-old grandson.  He is amazing!  He is perfect!  I love him!  Nothing he could do would change how I see him.  He can cry.  He can poop on me.  He can smile at me.  He can sleep for hours.  In fact, he did.  And I just held him and stared.  He is “doing baby life” perfectly. 

At what point of our lives do we start doubting our ability to “do life perfectly?”  At what point do we start allowing other people’s comments about how we are “doing life” influence how we think about ourselves? 

We start to label.  Even babies in the womb. 

Baby still in utero 7 days after his due date.  He’s such a stubborn little guy.

Three-month-old looking all around.  She’s so nosey.

Toddler asking “why” 376 times a day.  He’s so annoying.

Child crying after a skinned knee.  She’s such a crybaby.

“C” student.  You’re so stupid.

Teenager gets a speeding ticket.  You’re so reckless.

You get the idea.  Couldn’t it have just as easily been-

He’s so content.

She’s so observant.

He’s so curious.

She’s so good at expressing her feelings.

He has a creative mind.

Or in the case of the speeding ticket, why does it have to mean anything about the teenager.  Sometimes it just happens. 

Baby in utero, doing life perfectly.  Toddler, doing life perfectly.  Teenager, doing life perfectly. 

Perfect doesn’t mean no mistakes.  All those ups and downs and twists and turns make for a perfectly beautiful life.  The purpose of human life is to LIVE and to LEARN.  The purpose of human life is NOT to never “mess up.” 

At some point we start looking for external validation and start valuing other’s opinions over our own. Even if those opinions are negative and false. Then we begin to dance with self-contempt.  Living up to those labels and creating more evidence that make them seem true.

We forget we are worthy. 

Look into the eyes of a baby and let it remind you that you were worthy then and you are worthy now.  Five years of living, fifteen years of living, fifty years of living didn’t change that truth. 

And don’t you forget it!

Inside Job

Photo by Benjamin Earwicker on FreeImages

I recently coached a client consecutively on two things: her husband and her weight.  After the weight coaching she said, “I liked that one better because I feel like I have more control over it.” 

What I’d like to offer is that YOU have control over every aspect of your life.  Everything is an Inside Job.  How you show up is up to you.  Pandemics-inside job.  Husbands-inside job.  Kids-inside job.  Boss-inside job.  Weight-inside job.  Happiness-inside job. 

Pandemics get to do whatever the heck they want.  Husbands get to do whatever the heck they want.  You get to do whatever the heck you want.  That, my friend, is the human experience.  You don’t have to change anyone or anything.  The power lies in knowing that YOU are in charge of you.  You can choose to be happy, loving, healthy, wealthy, or whatever it is you want if you are willing.  And it starts with the way we think about our lives – the situations and the people. 

An “Inside Job” means you are in charge.  You don’t expect someone else to make it better.  You don’t blame someone else when it goes wrong.  You have everything you need inside of you to handle each situation or to figure out how to handle any situation.  When you realize this, it gives you back your power.  This may seem like a big responsibility, but do you really want to give control of your happiness to another person?  That it’s an “Inside Job” is the good news!

I recently read a statement by Mary Ann Young.  She said, “I have been blessed to keep my feelings quite calm.”  Often times we think others are successful because they were just born that way.  That they are a “unicorn.”  That they are a rare breed who are just lucky to possess the traits needed to be peaceful or wealthy or sociable.  You can be calm and peaceful all the time.  You can make six figures.  You can have all the friends in the world.  But, you must know, it is an inside job. 

I Deserve Down Time...

“I deserve down time” has been a concrete part of my belief system.  If I look to my past to discover when I started believing this, I settle on the years I was a stay-at-home mom raising four children.  As soon as I got them in bed at night, it was “down time.”  I’d watch a show, read a book, talk to a friend on the phone. 

Fast forward to the kids are all grown and out of the house and I’m still telling myself “I deserve down time.”  My husband and I have been happy to crawl in bed as soon as dinner is over (at 6:00 pm) and watch some Netflix or cable television for four hours.    

It was time for me to question that belief.

There is an emotional vibration called tired and there is a physical sensation called tired.  Emotional tired starts in the brain.  Physical tired starts in the body.  I think as a young mom raising children it was a mixture of the two.  I never felt like I got enough sleep but it was also emotionally exhausting.

Earlier this week on my Instagram account I posted my schedule for the week.  The first time I went through the process of doing a to-do list download and then plugging everything in the calendar I was surprised how much extra time there was in my day.  I went into it thinking how busy I was.  But once I filled my calendar (leaving my weekends pretty open) I had an extra eight hours in my week!  Woah!  That’s a lot of time.  We spend a lot of time thinking “I should be doing _______.”  That takes up a lot of emotional energy.  When we just put something on the calendar, we don’t have to decide in the moment if we really want to clean house or call the insurance company about a bill they didn’t pay or workout.  We just do it.  All that thinking about it and distracting ourselves with other things that bring instant gratification (making a snack, laying in bed longer, scrolling on the phone) uses up extra time and energy.

I do love me some down time.  And I do think it can be an important part of our lives.  But schedule it in.  If you don’t, then even the down time (making a snack, laying in bed longer, scrolling on the phone) doesn’t feel like down time because we’re busy thinking about the other things we should be doing and that zaps our energy and the pleasure.

Being productive makes the down time even sweeter.  So I’ve altered my belief system to “I deserve me some down time and some productive time.”  The balance feels amazing!

Transitions

Photo by Couleur on Pixaby

In December 2017 we had a house fire.  The chimney was compromised and my husband and I woke up that morning early to a smoke filled home.  We hurried outside and waited for the fire department to come as we watched our home burn to the ground.  We moved in with our daughter’s family during 2018. We had a contractor but we also spent many hours doing some of the projects ourselves.  We mourned.  We hoped. We practiced patience. We labored.  We made lots of decisions. It was a hard year.  It was a growth year. 

I was thinking about the rings in a tree trunk.  The rings tell a story about the growth the tree experienced that year.  Growth that came from climate, temperature, rainfall, etc.  When the conditions are perfect for the tree, the rings are wider apart.  When the conditions aren’t so ideal the rings are much thinner.

2018 was a thin ring year for the Holyoaks.  It feels like an oxymoron.  We experienced so much growth and expansion that year; it feels like the ring should be huge.  The conditions weren’t ideal but our growth was exponential.

I think about other transitions in my life:

Moving the summer before my senior year of high school

Getting married

Having children

Re-entering the workforce after being a stay-at-home mom for 25 years

Homeschooling

Moving four times in my adult life

Becoming Empty Nesters

Some of those experiences felt so hard, so painful while going through them.  Coming out on the other side feels so empowering, so amazing.

There is a scripture in Isaiah 61:3 which says “to give unto them beauty for ashes.” That’s what happened to our home.  It went from ashes to beauty.  And that’s what transitions do for us as humans.  They give us an opportunity to grow, to become even more beautiful humans than we were before. 

If we let them. 

self - confidence

Photo by Wolfgang Hasselmann on Unsplash

I never even differentiated confidence from self-confidence until the last few months.  I associated the word confidence with mastering a skill and I thought that’s where self-confidence comes from too.

But I love this definition from dictionary.com:

To feel self-confidence we don’t have to have the skill mastered.  We just need to trust in ourselves to move forward.  We don’t believe it has to be perfect the first time we try something; we trust that we will keep trying and be willing to handle all the feelings that come with not mastering it right away. 

I do believe that I trust my abilities, my qualities, and my judgments and take action from that place making good forward strides.

But I still wasn’t seeing myself as self-confident.  I felt similar to an overweight girl who lost weight and is trim now but still thinks of herself as the fat girl. I felt like I was living the definition of self-confidence but not believing I had claim to it. 

I was thinking that 80% self-confidence and 20% humility looks prettier than 100% self-confidence.  I really think I was saving that 20% not only so I could give credit to feeling lucky and/or blessed, but that I was also using the 20% as a scapegoat to blame unlucky and/or cursed. 

I finally came to the conclusion that I had an image of what self-confidence should look like.  And that image looked like “HELLO WORLD!  HERE I COME!” But I came to the realization that self-confidence for me looks like “I believe in myself.”  I don’t need my self-confidence to be loud and proud; for me, it’s a peaceful assurance. 

Mind, Body, Spirit Connection

Photo by Ashley Batz on Unsplash

I was so excited to attend a presentation a couple months ago on healthy mind, healthy body, healthy spirit. 

Afterwards I took time to ponder the things I’d heard. They didn’t resonate with me.  Part of what I heard that was distressing was that the spirit has to “strong arm the body” into behaving.  I just don’t believe that the body is to blame for every bad decision. It just seems like this would lead to body shaming or using the body as the scapegoat. 

I took a college course (EXSC 349 Body, Mind, Spirit) a few years ago, and it did resonate with me when it spoke of the “sacredness of the body and its meaningfulness to the whole being.”  I love seeing the mind, body, and spirit as three parts of my whole working together.  Just like any three entities joined, I’m sure they are at odds at times.  But I believe together they make united decisions.

Whether it’s the body or the mind that wants the cheesecake, I can’t really say.  But I believe they decide together whether to eat or not to eat it.   Together they reap the consequences and/or blessings of the decision. 

This week and for the next several weeks I’m doing an experiment to notice the mind, body, spirit connection.  My 40-day plan includes clean eating and exercising, meditation and scripture reading, and lots of reading, models, and thinking. 

To be honest going into my experiment I was feeling dread…mainly about the eating.  I love getting in tune with my spirit and my mind.

My model looked like this:

Circumstance: 40 day eating plan

Thought: I’m already feeling deprived

Feeling: Weak

Action: Eat a lot before the first day gets here, regrets, stomach ache

Results: I’m a glutton

Of course, I turned to my coach for guidance.  She gave me a thought that helped me feel excited.

Thought: Deprivation facilitates the space for mind, body, spirit connection.

I don’t know why that sounds so romantic to me 😊

It is the thought that got me excited to move forward.  And truth be told, I haven’t felt deprived once.  I’m enjoying and craving the healthy foods during this first week.  But I’m sure the feeling of deprivation will come and I’ll be ready for it.  Because that means I’m getting closer to discovering the connection when I’m feeding my body, my mind, and my spirit all the good things. 

The Model

Image by Anna Larin from Pixaby

Have you ever received a gift and didn’t realize how valuable/how wanted/how needed it was until much later?

Today I’m wrapping a gift for you.  Read it now, but when you are ready for it to add value to your life, come back and apply it to your life.

The Model is the tool The Life Coach School teaches to bring awareness to your life and what you are creating.

There are five components to The Model: Circumstance (C), Thought (T), Feeling (F), Actions (A), and Results (R).

Everything in life can be plugged into one of these five categories.  Everything.

Covid-19 – Circumstance

Husband said, “You should clean up this mess.” – Circumstance

I have $50 in my savings account – Circumstance

Circumstances are facts.

How we think about the circumstances is our Thought.  And that is where your power lies.

Not being able to leave my house is driving me crazy – Thought

My husband shouldn’t tell me what to do – Thought

I should have more money in savings – Thought

Our Thoughts create our Feelings.

Depressed – Feeling

Angry – Feeling

Inadequate – Feeling

Feelings drive our Actions.

Rant to a friend.  Don’t even leave the couch (let alone the house). – Actions

Yell at husband.  Make a bigger mess on purpose.  – Actions

Buy things.  Judge myself.  – Actions

Our actions create our Results.

Blame Covid19 for our craziness – Result

Tell my husband what he should do – Result

Bank balance stays the same – Result

Our Results are evidence for our Thoughts.

Observing your Thoughts and realizing that you can create the life of your dreams is the best gift. 

In all honesty, it’s not a gift that I’m giving you.  It’s a gift you give yourself.  And it’s a gift that keeps on giving. 

Sign up for one of my free 20 minute coaching sessions and I’ll teach you how to apply the Model to your life; you’ll wonder how you ever lived without it!

The Five Love Languages during C19 . . . or Anytime

I love The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  Even though I believe that our thoughts create feelings of love, I think the book brings some great awareness to us individually on actions we can take when we are feeling loving.

I recently heard someone saying how the Coronovirus is impacting them because social distancing is impeding their love language which is physical touch.  That got me thinking about how we can take full responsibility for feeling loved. This isn’t just a good skill to know when a pandemic is going on, but it is a useful life skill.  You can create any feeling you want just by what you are thinking. 

When we feel love, we more readily express love to others. 

If you are feeling the love, but are practicing social distancing, then act on those feelings by expressing some self-love.  I’ve included a few ideas, but use this as a springboard to come up with your own ideas.

Words of Affirmation 

Look in the mirror and pay yourself a compliment

Listen to a song (Perhaps “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction)

Write a letter to your past self. Start with the phrase “I love you because….

Create a daily affirmation

Journal daily – include one thing you do each day that you are proud of

Physical Touch

Give yourself a foot rub/manicure/pedicure

Rub your fingers through your hair/Massage your scalp

Turn the music up and dance around the living room

Coat your body in lotion

Do yoga or stretching exercises

Service

Organize your email folders

Cook and enjoy a delicious meal

Rake the leaves, pick up pine cones, or plant a garden

Detail your car

Redecorate a room in your house simply by moving stuff around

Quality Time

Read a book

Meditate

Play a game of solitaire, put a puzzle together

Light some candles, turn on your favorite music-create the ambience and then pay the bills, relax, or do a project that always gets put on the back burner

Learn a new skill

Gifts

Order something online

Order take out

Sign up for an online Life Coach Session

Download a book

If you are thinking you are worth it, you are! If you are thinking, I do want to show myself some self love, then do it! There’s no better time than now…or anytime!

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

Home Schooling Tips for the C-19 Parent

Photo by Van Tay Media on Unsplash

So many of you have been thrown into the role of home school teacher.  I’m hoping some of these tips might help you through the transition. 

1.      “I could never home school my children” – the most heard comment while I was home schooling.  Basically, they were saying, “I’m not patient enough.”  I discovered I needed to get patient real quick or I would be yelling all day. Patient with them and me.  I chose patience. 

Tip #1 – Your relationship with your child is more important than a completed assignment.  This is the ideal situation for you to nurture a relationship with your child, to improve on characteristics you want to develop (ie. Patience, Love, Think Before You Act, Expectations and Consequences without Emotional Attachment, Etc), and familial social interactions.  Don’t let this opportunity pass you by!

2.      “My teacher didn’t do it that way” – the most heard comment from my children the first month of home schooling.  And while we are talking about school at home. It doesn’t need to look like sitting at a desk for 8 hours.  When children don’t need to line up and walk from one class to another or wait for all the other kids to finish an assignment before moving on or the numerous other things that take time for 20-30 children to do, then you may spend much less time accomplishing the learning.

Tip #2 – There is more than one way to cook an egg.  And it’s a great thing for your children to learn that now.  One of my favorite memes:

3.      “What about their social life?”  Even though social distancing is the buzz word, children and youth need a sense of connection as much as we do.

Tip #3 – Pair your children up to teach each other.  Have them phone a friend if they are having trouble with math and you’re not sure how to help them.  Call Grandma and have her walk them through an assignment or read to them or give them spelling words. 

4.    “You’re not qualified to teach your children” -  In Life Coach School we constantly talk about questioning our belief systems.  This is one thought that needs a serious overhaul (in my opinion.)  If not you, then who?  Who taught them how to make their bed, brush their teeth, and do chores?  They learned how to walk and talk and deal with their emotions in your care.  You are qualified!

Tip#4 – Believe in yourself!  You are not going to “ruin” them.  Don’t buy into this belief.  Continue to trust in yourself to know how to teach them or how to figure it out.  I’m so proud of my children and their accomplishments.  I didn’t ruin them despite everything I did and/or didn’t do. 

5.      Some years home school became car school as I ran my children to co-op choir and science and baseball and field trips and….well, you get the idea.  Staying home isn’t the problem now since everything distracting is closed.  The distracting part is all the free websites with ideas of what you should/could be doing.

Tip#5 – Simplify.  It might seem exciting (or overwhelming) to scroll through all the options.  Don’t get caught up in all the pretty things.  Be happy with the basics and then Have Fun!

6.       Many of you are balancing a lot right now.  Schooling and caring for children of differing ages. Working from home.  Shopping for toilet paper, food, and other essential items. 😊 Not to mention all the energy spent keeping up on the latest news, worrying about finances, and trying to figure out how to make it all work. 

Tip#6 – Find Balance.  Only you know what that will look like for you.  Don’t compare yourself to others.  Maybe it’s not time to focus on quality or quantity.  Maybe it’s time to just do your best and feel good about it – whatever it looks like.  Negative self-judgment isn’t at all productive.  Approach this with patience and compassion for yourself. Look in the mirror and say, “I’ve got this!” Then get to work.  Take those baby steps that add up to a wonderful life.