Photo by David Marcu on Unsplash
A lot of our pain and suffering in life comes from wishing things were different than they actually are.
I wish there was more money in my checking account.
I wish my teen wouldn’t sass me.
I wish I had 5 minutes of peace.
I wish I didn’t have to go to the grocery store again.
I wish my dad was still alive.
I wish I didn’t have so much to do this week.
I wish my nose wasn’t so big.
I wish my allergies weren’t bugging me.
I wish my kids got along better.
I wish I was more stylish.
I wish my daughter didn’t get a tattoo.
Epictetus, a Greek philosopher, said, “We suffer only when we want things to be different from what they are.” So, us humans have been doing this—longing for things to be different—for a long time.
Have you ever thought about why you want things to be different?
We think we will be happier. That’s what it all boils down to. We all just want to be happier. But instead of creating more happiness for ourselves, we create more suffering by wishing things were different.
Is it possible to be happy with what is? And if so, how?
(A) Recognize that you are having a human experience. We actually shouted for joy when God announced the plan for us to come to earth and experience pleasure and pain, happiness and sadness, trials and triumphs. We signed up for this. We chose this. We want this. Understanding that we wouldn’t even know what happiness was if we didn’t have the contrast of sadness. Realizing that we wouldn’t appreciate health if we didn’t know sickness. Grasping the importance of agency when we’ve been a recipient of force. Can we at least agree that negative emotions are important even necessary for us to experience so that we can recognize the positive emotions? Can I love the sadness, the scarcity, the regret because they show me happiness, abundance, and forgiveness?
(B) Love what is for what it can teach us. Think about how much we’ve learned and grown since we were a baby. Let’s use learning to walk as an example. Babies have so many failures while learning to walk. They fall down, get bruises, and cry. Yet they keep trying until they get it. They learn along the way what is working and what is not working. And the world is opened up with new possibilities because they chose not to just wish they could walk but to actually keep trying and finding ways to make things better. Sometimes we learn new skills and how to make things happen. Sometimes we learn how to accept. But there is always a learning experience if we allow the teaching moment.
(C) Understand the power of our thoughts. It’s our thoughts—the way we think about our situation—that is causing the suffering. I can be upset because I only have $352.67 in my checking account. But someone else may be ecstatic. It’s not the dollar amount making us upset. It’s our thoughts about the dollar amount. All of the above thoughts can cause pain….or they can cause pleasure. Someone may feel overwhelmed by how much they have to do this week; while someone else may be overjoyed by all the things on their calendar. Someone may be upset that their kids don’t get along better; while someone else may admire the skills they are learning while they figure out relationship dynamics. Because of our amazing brains, we can explore thoughts and what feelings they are creating in our lives and choose thoughts that bring feelings we want.
(D) Choose suffering and pain. Sometimes we just want to feel pain. We want to be sad that our parents have passed. We want to grieve the loss of a relationship. We want to be angry at inhumaneness. In these cases, we give ourselves permission to feel. We notice the feeling and we like our reasons why we are feeling that way and we decide to sit with it for as long as it needs to be there. Even in these situations, can we find peace in what is?
Our power lies in knowing that we get to choose—A, B, C, D—it’s our choice. Just like everything, it’s a process.
So don’t wish you were farther along on the “loving what is” spectrum. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t wish you were different. Love where you are right now.
