A Letter To My Body

Dear Body,

Who are you? I don’t recognize you.

You started acting all weird on me and I am not sure how to respond. I really want 20, 30, or even 40 year old body back. But I know that is not going to happen.

So I’d like to make peace with you.

I want to be friends. 

I want to know how to respond, how to react, how to love you in healthy ways. I am tired of fighting with you. I am tired of expecting you to be something that you aren’t. I am trying to listen to your cues. They are just unfamiliar to me and it is taking me time to understand what you are trying to tell me. 

I have tried to be good to you. But what worked before isn’t working now. And some days I feel at a loss. You are important to me so I want to put in the effort to have a good relationship. It is just taking me a while to navigate the new you. 

If you will be patient with me and know that I’m trying, I know we can still be friends. 

Love Always, 

Want Match

I’ve shared a concept called “want match.”  The basic premise being that one person can’t fulfill all our needs.  It’s not fair to our spouse for us to expect them to be our workout buddy, our reading buddy, our movie buddy, our travel buddy, etc.  We can ask them.  We can tell them it’s important to us.  But they still may just say no. 

My advice is to find someone else to meet those needs.  

(Sidenote: I have some rules that go along with my want match searching.  I want to safe guard my marriage, so I’m particular about who I choose to match up with.)

Seems simple, right?

I know it’s not.  

I just really want my husband to match up with me in deep talking.  He doesn’t want to. We are not a match here and I know this. I’ve found others to deep talk with, but the wanting is still there and pops up every now and again. 

Like this week…

We were having a discussion.  It had been going off and on for about 24 hours.  I was in the middle of saying something when my husband said, “Stop.  Just stop.”

He was done.  

I’ve continued to ponder on the topic of our discussion and have gained new insights.  I want to share those with him, but his words, “Stop. Just stop” keep coming back into my mind, so I don’t venture down that path.

I don’t want to make him out to be a bad guy.  He has wants of me too that I figuratively am saying, “Stop. Just stop.” I don’t want to sit and watch sports with him.  I don’t want to go hunting with him even though he hopefully asks me year after year. I’m not his match. 

He’s not my match for deep talking.  I want him to be.  But he’s not.  I can’t make him. I don’t want to make him.

So what’s a girl to do?

**Remind myself that he’s not my deep talking want match.  And that’s okay.

**Feel sad.  Admit that this makes me fell sad and allow myself to feel sad over it. 

Being human doesn’t always feel great.

There are other options (like forcing it upon him) but that doesn’t feel good either.  

I choose to work on my thoughts: He’s not my deep talking want match, and that’s okay.

I choose to feel my feelings: I allow myself to feel sad about it.  

But I don’t stay sad long.  I pick up the phone and call that friend.

War Breaks Out

Throughout history war exists. World wars to sibling shouting matches and everything in between.  I find myself wanting to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. My emotions range from sad to angry to defensive. Like many of you, I still remember my experience with 9/11/2001.  Deathly attacks on American soil brought thoughts that brought feelings of helplessness and sadness. President Gordon B. Hinckley gave an address shortly after the 2001 attacks.  He said, “Notwithstanding the afflictions about us, notwithstanding the sordid things we see almost everywhere, notwithstanding the conflict that sweeps across the world, we can be better” (Living in the Fulness of Times, Ensign, November 2001). That talk made an impression on me. I knew I couldn’t control the world, but I could control me.  I could be a little kinder in my interactions with others. I could love more in my home and my community. In the last General Conference, Elder Cook gives us more counsel.  He says, “Peace and agency are intertwined” (Personal Peace in Challenging Times, October 2021). 

You can feel personal peace in challenging times! Elder Cook gives 5 doctrinal teachings that are essential to finding to that peace. I am going to share a coaching spin on each one.

First—Love: Love is the greatest emotion and it is available all the time. You can choose love any time. It doesn’t matter what another person says or does. It doesn’t make you weak to not argue back. Love doesn’t mean not standing up for yourself, but you can do that from a place of love. Think about a time when you felt love. You can still—discipline, teach, accept, compromise, communicate, understand—from a place of love. Next time you want to be at war with someone, give yourself a few minutes to conjure up feelings of love inside your body. Then act from that loving feeling.

Second—Seek fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance) Galatians 5:22-23: This world is a learning ground. We are exposed to so many opportunities to develop characteristics we want to develop. This is your chance! Anger or love. Pride or humility. Evil or good. Fear or faith. Decide what “fruit” you want. Think about how a person who has that “fruit” acts. Then practice those actions until you become that person. Don’t forget to give yourself grace on the journey. 

Third—Exercise Agency: You have more power than you realize.  Too often we react to what others say and do instead of showing up as the version we want to be.  We think it is easier to change other’s behavior rather than examining how we can change our own behaviors. We keep engaging in the same behaviors hoping for different results. Stop trying to change others and use your agency to become a better version of you!

Fourth—A Zion Heart: You can have a peaceful heart. I’ve experienced that transformation in my own life. A lot of our pain comes from thinking things should be different. Everything is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to. You can be at peace with that knowledge. You were supposed to mess up. You were supposed to be amazing! Life is supposed to be hard. Life is supposed to be enjoyable. Stop the internal war and accept the fact that sometimes you are great and sometimes you are the worst.  It’s okay. God has a plan for both. This is true for other people too.

Fifth—Follow the Prophet:  Everything we do is a direct result of our belief system. Do you believe that following the prophet can help you feel peace? Our prophet has given us so much counsel—stay on the covenant path, learn how you hear Him, let God prevail, express gratitude, increase faith. If you don’t believe or aren’t sure, experiment. Alma encouraged others to “experiment upon my words” (Alma 32:27).  Love your enemies is a biblical doctrine. We want to dismiss it because it seems like an improbable option. Our brains come up with all the excuses why loving your enemies isn’t a good idea. So we press forward hating our enemies (and sometimes those we love) instead of experimenting with how we can love everyone. We miss the opportunity to be the agent of change. We hold on to our anger instead of  experimenting on what would happen if we let it go.  

Wars (big and small) are an inevitable part of our human experience. But you don’t have to contribute to the contention. You can have personal peace amidst the chaos. A peaceful heart will change your whole mortal experience—and be an influence for good to the world. 

Giving Grace

We are too hard on ourselves!

So much time is spent on berating ourselves for what we should or shouldn’t have done.  

Give yourself some grace. 

Grace—courteous goodwill

Goodwill—friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings

This life is a journey not a sprint. We are going to mess up.  We are going to show up as less than we hoped.  That’s okay.  It’s NORMAL!

It’s January 31.  I’m looking at the goals I set for this year.  I’m noticing the ones I didn’t accomplish. Where I fell short.  Do I pat myself on the back for all the things I did accomplish—on my goal list or not?  Only if I’m being conscious about it.  Otherwise, I just feel bad about the things I didn’t accomplish. I think about how I let myself down and how I didn’t live in integrity with myself. 

What’s the benefit of the negative thinking? Absolutely nothing. It doesn’t inspire us to want to be better.  It just keeps us on the bottom of proverbial dung heap.  Throwing on more and more negativity. 

It doesn’t have to be that way. 

The way it’s going to change is by making a conscious decision to stop. 

When you hear the beginnings of negative self-talk, have a word you can go to.

Nope.

Not today.

Stop.

It seems simple, but you’ve got to try it before you can discount it. 

Another tip is to just accept what you did or didn’t do. Acknowledge you would like to be different next time and recognize it as a learning opportunity.

I should have been more sympathetic to my husband.

I wasn’t very sympathetic and that’s okay.  

I can’t believe I forgot that meeting.

I am human and sometimes I forget. 

I overspent again. What an idiot!

I overspent. Let me take a look at my purchases and see what happened.

We use the information we gather and try to do better next time. Heaping on the name calling and bullying isn’t going to help. 

Another goodwill option is to replace the negative self-talk with positive self-talk.

I ate like crap yesterday.

I ate purposefully the five days previous.

I wish I had a degree.

Life has taught me a lot.

Why do I always have to learn things the hard way?

The “hard way” is a pretty good teacher.

Grace is available to you when you (1) notice the negative self-talk and think “stop” (2) accept that you are human and you are going to be great sometimes and not so great other times (3) focus on the positive. 

Zombie

Recently I was going through my papers from when I was enrolled in life coach training. Besides curriculum notes and worksheets, it was fun to flip through my own models. The Model is the primary tool used in life coaching. It’s what brings awareness. Then you can springboard so many different directions from there.  

Anyway, I remember one of my biggest concerns: I would become a zombie.

Zombie.  Automaton. Robot.

I had this belief that if I didn’t say what was on my mind, that I would become a robot.

Yes, husband, that is fine that you don’t want to take out the trash.

Yes, husband, we don’t have to go to the movie I want to see.  

Yes, husband, you can say whatever you want and it doesn’t have to hurt my feelings.

Here is what one of my models looked like:

Circumstance: Learning about relationships in life coach training

Thought: I’m becoming a zombie.

Feeling: Sad

Actions: Suppress most thoughts and feelings

Result: I am a zombie.

Here’s the thing.  Whatever I was doing didn’t appear to be working.  

Here’s one of my pre-life coach training models:

Circumstance: Trash is overflowing

Thought: I can’t believe I have to remind him every time.

Feeling: Annoyed

Actions: Tell him in exasperated voice how he’s not fulfilling his responsibilities, berate him, take the trash out myself and complain about it

Result: I find more and more evidence that I have to remind him about everything.

So I decided to test a different belief to see if I liked the results any better.  

I stopped being in control of him and everything I thought he should or shouldn’t be doing.  I started just being in control of myself and that’s when everything changed.  I not only didn’t become a zombie, I become more alive than I ever felt in our relationship.  

I was in charge of me and he was in charge of him and that was way more invigorating.  In fact, I like to call what I’m experiencing now Energized Tranquility.

Life coaching wasn’t teaching me to become a Yes-Man.

Life coaching definitely wasn’t teaching me to suppress my thoughts or emotions.

Life coaching was teaching me the pattern for creating different results in my life.

Life coaching gave me the tools to break the unhealthy patterns in our relationship, to experiment on some other options, and to experience a contentment that seemed out of reach.  

Don’t keep doing the same behaviors over and over hoping for new results.  Decide how YOU want to show up in the relationship and experiment on what will make that happen.  Don’t let your fears (fear of becoming a zombie was my fear) stop you from trying out new practices.  Even if it doesn’t work, you’ll have new information. Eventually, you will hit the sweet spot and you’ll wonder why you spent so many years in a rut.  Don’t waste another minute!

Holding Space for Dissonant Thoughts

Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

Often we hold conflicting thoughts:

—I am awesome. I am the worst.

—That was a horrible choice.  That was a good choice.

—I like this body.  I hate this body.

—I should have known better.  How was I supposed to know that?

Moses had two conflicting thoughts:

—Man is nothing (Moses 1:10)

—I am a son of God (Moses 1:13)

Can I be nothing and Godly?

The answer is YES.  You can be nothing AND Godly.  You can be the worst and the best.  You can be hateful and loving. We can find evidence to support our contradictory thoughts. 

Holding space for both thoughts means we aren’t quick to judge them. 

We take time to reflect on the thought and try to learn from it.  

I’m curious about the road a thought takes me down. 

When I think “I am nothing,” I tend to go down the “I don’t matter” road.  

—I’m not important. 

—No one knows I exist. 

My actions become a reflection of those thoughts. I feel discouraged. I self-loathe. I stop taking care of myself. I withdraw in my relationships. 

The result is I live small—I am infinitesimal.

I wonder if the thought “I am nothing” could take me down a different road. 

—Wow! So much growth is possible.  

—This world has so much to teach me.  

“I am nothing” excites in me the opportunity ahead. I feel humbled. My actions reflect those thoughts. I seek my purpose. I strengthen my relationships because I’m willing to learn from others. I seek feedback and then implement what will help me grow.  

The result is I live big—I am infinite. 

Holding space means just being aware without judgment of where a thought takes you and what feelings, actions, and results stem from that thought.  

I can have the same curiosity with “I am a daughter of God.” When I think that sentence, I have the same opportunity to go down the road that shows how far I am from being Godly or I can see my potential. I can incriminate, judge, and see the deficit OR I can hope, emulate, and embrace my worth. 

We want to dismiss the thoughts that we don’t understand. Or maybe we do understand them and they create discord. Then we either want to dismiss them or sometimes we decide to hold on to them and make them our dogma for living. Holding space just allows you time to sit with whatever is going on and examine what you can learn from the experience. Be curious about other ways to think about it. And no judgment is allowed.  

Retreating

Photo by Julia Kicova on Unsplash

Hello!

When my husband booked a trip to spend some time with his mom, I decided it was the perfect time to hold an at-home retreat. I did my research. I read about how other people retreat. I reflected on my purpose. I brainstormed ideas. Then made out a schedule. I wanted to decide ahead of time what I was going to eat and when, what shows to watch and books to read, and what activities to enjoy. I didn’t want to have decision fatigue. I didn’t want to use my retreat time figuring out what to do next. I allowed myself to be a little flexible as things took longer or I chose to do something else instead, but I was glad to utilize this intentional schedule.

Retreats will look differently for each individual. Decide if it’s for rest and relaxation, for pampering, for planning/goal setting, etc. Or a combination of all of the above!

I wanted to relax.

I wanted to be productive.

I wanted to be still.

I wanted to receive inspiration.

I wanted to listen to my body, my mind, and my heart.

I wanted to slow down.

I wanted to reconnect with me.

I wanted to dream and reflect.

What is your purpose for retreating? Do you need a big block of time? Can you accomplish retreating in small daily actions interspersed throughout your day?

Have fun planning your personal retreat!

Doing Hard Things

Photo by Vicky Sim on Unsplash

I can do hard things!

Umm….excuse me….why would I want to?

That is a great question. Most everything we do or don’t do in life is because of the way we think it will make us feel. And the majority of us like to live in our emotional comfort zone. Even if that comfort zone doesn’t include the greatest feelings either. At least we are used to them.

I might want to try something new, but…

I’m WORRIED I might fail.

I’m SCARED I’ll look stupid trying.

I’m UNSURE about the first step.

I’m OVERWHELMED by all I’ll have to do.

The list goes on.

I’d rather stick with the emotions I’m familiar with.

I’m COMFORTABLE with my routine.

I’m SAFE doing the familiar.

I’m RESISTANT to change.

I’m too TIRED.

We are used to feeling TIRED, RESISTANT, and SAFE, so we’d rather just keep those emotions than feel SCARED, UNSURE, or OVERWHELMED. At least until the compulsion to do the hard thing outweighs the compulsion to stay in the comfort zone.

Have you ever wanted to TESTIFY or WITNESS of something, but your FEAR keeps you planted in your seat. But your desire to share is greater so you press through the fear and LET YOUR VOICE BE HEARD.

If we want to do HARD THINGS, then we are going to need to be willing to feel some uncomfortable emotions. We can keep living in our comfort zone or we can allow all the emotions and watch ourselves grow.

You might be wondering now, “Why do I want/need to grow?” Because it’s FUN. We get to experience a whole new range of emotions besides the “scary” ones. We get to experience CONFIDENCE and EXCITEMENT and PERSEVERANCE and ACCOMPLISHMENT. And those feel pretty great.

As always, we get to choose. Stick with embarrassed, inadequate, and anxious OR go with uncomfortable, scared, and skeptical. The difference is that some uncomfortable emotions create amazing results while others keep us stuck.

Choose something hard that will get you the results. you want. Don’t choose any old hard thing. Make it something that aligns with your purpose. Something that will help you grow into the person you want to become. Once you learn how it feels to do something hard and create the desired result, there will be no stopping you.

Every Day is a Good Day to Celebrate

Today I’m celebrating!

It’s January 2020 and I’ve just learned about Impossible Goals. I love goal setting….but setting an Impossible Goal? Why would I want to do that? When we set goals, or even think about maybe…possibly…making a goal, Brain1 goes into overdrive. That’s not gonna happen. You don’t really want to do that. That will take too much effort. That’s too hard. The great thing about setting an Impossible Goal is you already know it’s impossible. So Brain1 is not telling you anything new. Brain2 just gets to agree. “Yep, I know, right! But we are going for it anyway.”

With that knowledge in my back pocket, I set my 2020 Impossible Goal: Write 3 books.

Someone besides me might be saying, “That’s not impossible.” Well, it was to me. I hadn’t accomplished it yet. It seemed impossible.

Book #1: a little quote and picture book to give to my family

Book #2: my personal history - covering the first 50 years of my life

Book #3: a nonfiction work

Drum roll please. I DID IT! All three books.

So today I’m celebrating.

I wrote myself an “I’m proud of you” note and I’m taking my paddle board for a spin. I want to celebrate my accomplishment by doing something I love—being outdoors enjoying nature. And I’ve never written myself a note before but it just feels like a celebratory thing to do.

Brain1 and Brain2 start to disagree again. Brain2 wants to know what are you going to do next. Brain1 is saying, “Slow down. Enjoy the moment.” I’m so lucky to have these two sounding boards within me. I get to listen to them both and then choose whichever one I want.

Today I’m choosing “Slow down. Enjoy the moment.”

But I know Brain2 will get its say, because I’m chomping at the bit to set another Impossible Goal.

Is There A Better Way?

#iFit run with #knoxrobinson @firstrun

I was running remotely in Kenya with an iFit trainer when a dozen children joined the run.  They were happy and smiling and excited to be running. 

My first thought was “Look.  How cute.  They think this is fun.” 

Which got me wondering why I don’t equate exercise with fun.  I started thinking about my cultural and familial belief system. 

Individual beliefs and actions get passed down through familial lines and become traditions. The beliefs and actions shared by communities get passed down through history and become part of our culture. 

From our experiences we develop traditions.

Hygiene-bathing practices, teeth care, shaving

Health-exercise and eating

Financial-how you save or spend money

Style-hair, clothing

Social-how we treat others

The thing with traditions is that we keep on doing them without stopping to question WHY we are doing them. 

Some traditions are beneficial and enhance our lives.  Others are harmful.  But it’s easier to keep doing what we know even if it isn’t serving us.  We don’t like to examine our traditions because it can rock our world.  Sometimes the most antagonism comes from the people closest to us.  

A friend in your circle states, “I’m eating vegan now.” Sit back and listen to the judgment.  It’s not easy to break free from traditions.  Not only because of the criticism that may come but also from the temptations that come from within when we try to change.  

Change is rarely easy.

A General Conference address called “Removing Barriers to Happiness” by Richard G. Scott (April 1998) came to mind as I was pondering on traditions. I remembered him saying that as some members join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints they may need to “evaluate each part of (their) life and make adjustments as needed.” Much of our heritage becomes woven into our identity.  Much of our heritage can be a blessing to our lives but sometimes changes need to be made.  This is true not only for converts but for long-time members of the church as well.  As long-term members we have religious traditions that we adhere to.  We see this played out among the Pharisees in New Testament times. We are so right in our convictions, but then Someone comes along and shows us a better Way.  We have to decide if we are going to choose it.  If we are willing to do the hard work of change.  If we are willing to ask the questions to determine if change is necessary.

Why am I doing this?

Do I like my reasons?

Do I like the results I’m creating?

Is there a better way?

Sometimes we just continue to do things because our parents did it that way and their parents did it that way.  If doing those things brings long-term happiness, then keep doing them.  But if not, ask yourself, “Is there a better way?”  

Spanking was the cultural norm in the 1970s when I was a young ‘un needing parental guidance.  I began spanking my first born but stopped when she was about two-years-old when I decided putting her in “time-out” was the form of discipline I was going to use instead.  That same daughter (now raising three children of her own) just informed me this week that “time-outs” are no longer recommended.  

After spanking my daughter several times in anger I had to ask myself, “Do I like the results I’m creating?”  The answer was NO.  Is there a better way? YES.  

Family reunions are becoming a thing of the past.  As my mom gets older and is ready to pass on the baton, I have to ask myself if this tradition is worth it.  Do I like the results that are created? The answer is a resounding YES.  

As a Stake Young Women’s President, I’m in a social media group where questions are asked.  A recent post on addressing clothing standards at dances was asked.  Is having young women kneel on the floor before they can enter a dance to check the skirt length an appropriate plan? Might there be a better way?  YES. 

When is a good time to question our traditions? I like to question them when the emotion I’m feeling isn’t in alignment with my behavior.  While spanking my daughter I felt angry and afterwards I felt upset.  If I was asking a young woman to kneel so I could check her skirt length I would be feeling judgmental.  When I think about the family reunion I feel happy.  

What about exercise?  I’ve been telling myself it’s more of a chore than fun, but when I really hone in on WHY I exercise, I feel desire (for a long healthy life) and motivated (to take care of my body) and happy (emotionally).  

In the end we get to decide what traditions to keep and which ones need changing.  Choosing a better way is always an option.