I’ve shared a concept called “want match.” The basic premise being that one person can’t fulfill all our needs. It’s not fair to our spouse for us to expect them to be our workout buddy, our reading buddy, our movie buddy, our travel buddy, etc. We can ask them. We can tell them it’s important to us. But they still may just say no.
My advice is to find someone else to meet those needs.
(Sidenote: I have some rules that go along with my want match searching. I want to safe guard my marriage, so I’m particular about who I choose to match up with.)
Seems simple, right?
I know it’s not.
I just really want my husband to match up with me in deep talking. He doesn’t want to. We are not a match here and I know this. I’ve found others to deep talk with, but the wanting is still there and pops up every now and again.
Like this week…
We were having a discussion. It had been going off and on for about 24 hours. I was in the middle of saying something when my husband said, “Stop. Just stop.”
He was done.
I’ve continued to ponder on the topic of our discussion and have gained new insights. I want to share those with him, but his words, “Stop. Just stop” keep coming back into my mind, so I don’t venture down that path.
I don’t want to make him out to be a bad guy. He has wants of me too that I figuratively am saying, “Stop. Just stop.” I don’t want to sit and watch sports with him. I don’t want to go hunting with him even though he hopefully asks me year after year. I’m not his match.
He’s not my match for deep talking. I want him to be. But he’s not. I can’t make him. I don’t want to make him.
So what’s a girl to do?
**Remind myself that he’s not my deep talking want match. And that’s okay.
**Feel sad. Admit that this makes me fell sad and allow myself to feel sad over it.
Being human doesn’t always feel great.
There are other options (like forcing it upon him) but that doesn’t feel good either.
I choose to work on my thoughts: He’s not my deep talking want match, and that’s okay.
I choose to feel my feelings: I allow myself to feel sad about it.
But I don’t stay sad long. I pick up the phone and call that friend.
