Enjoy the Ups and Downs

Photo by Pedro Velasco on Unsplash

Life is full of ups and downs. For everyone.

A lot of our unhappiness in life comes from thinking, “It shouldn’t be this way.” Just accepting the fact that “It should be this way” is the first step on the path to happiness. How do I know it should be this way? Because it is. Everything is happening exactly as it is meant to happen.

When you get on a rollercoaster, you can very well expect to have some ups and downs. You can also expect some opposing emotions like fear and excitement.

Do you enjoy the whole rollercoaster ride? Or just a part of it?

Do you like creaking slowly upward? Or the fast nosedive?

Do you like the loop-de-loops? Or the ups and downs?

Do you like being jerked from side to side? Or getting air?

Do you like feeling nauseous, dizzy, and jostled?

Or do you just want the picture at the end that said, “I did this. I survived.”

We are on the ride called LIFE. We can expect some interesting features on this ride. It’s inevitable that we have some ups and downs—some opposing emotions.

That’s the ticket we bought.

When we get on a rollercoaster we expect all these things. It is the same with life. You are on this ride. There will be some ups and downs. It will be scary and exhilarating. So now you just have to strap yourself in, remember that everything is happening exactly as it’s meant to, and enjoy the ride.

I am Soul

Photo by Fa Barboza on Unsplash

Today I want to talk about the relationship with self.

In life coaching we teach about the primitive brain. It’s the part of the brain that wants you to give into primal urges—the desires that give us the temporary pleasures.

On the flip side is the prefrontal cortex part of the brain. Here is where conscious thinking takes place. We factor in reasoning and outcomes and make deliberate decisions—decisions that bring long-term rewards.

Simply put it’s like the devil and the angel sitting on our shoulder having a discussion.

Don’t eat that. But I want it. No, you really don’t. It tastes so yummy.

Finish your assignment. I’m just going to take a little break. You know your breaks are never little. Pick up your pencil.

You suck. I have some good qualities. Remember when you did that one thing. Well, I’m working on that.

Guess what? You are the primitive brain and the prefrontal brain. It’s all you.

It’s nice to have someone to blame.

My primitive brain made me do it. It’s the natural man tendency.

Guess what? You are the natural man and the spiritual being.

Doctrine and Covenants 88:15 says, “And the spirit and the body are the soul of man.” We like to blame the body for everything. It’s like the body is weak and the spirit is strong. The spirit needs to strong arm the body into compliance.

Guess what? I am soul. I am spirit and body. There is no blaming. There is only awareness that I am all of it. I am the one who wants and resists and accepts and rejects. It’s me. We like to blame the body. But we didn’t have bodies when 1/3 of the heavenly host decided to not choose God’s plan. Those pre-mortal spirits chose that.

It doesn’t help me to think about my body and spirit at war with one another. It helps me to think of them as united in a common goal. My spirit and my body need each other. They want each other. They make decisions together.

There is no good thought/bad thought going on. There are just thoughts. Your thoughts.

Be intentional about the one you choose. Own it as one you make. Stop treating your soul as two separate entities at war with each other. It’s just two different thoughts. Both a part of you.

You are body and spirit. Enjoy the unity of your soul.

Which Came First

Is there a general consensus on what came first—the chicken or the egg?

This week I bought the book 52 Uncommon Dates by Randy Southern.

I’m left wondering….which comes first the thought or the action?

I’ve spent much of my life believing my actions are of utmost importance.

Need more money? Work harder.

Feeling disconnected from my spouse? Go on more dates.

Lose weight? Exercise more.

Have a style? Buy clothes.

Now that I understand the power of my thoughts, I realize that how I think about money, relationships, weight, and style can have a major impact too.

In the past I would have bought this book thinking these thoughts:

“We need to have more fun.”

“We are in a rut.”

“I hope this helps me feel connected.”

In the present I bought the book thinking this thought:

“That sounds fun.”

Does it really matter?

The emotions driving my previous actions might have been desperate, frustrated, or demanding.

The emotion driving my current action is fun, excitement, and loving.

It does matter.

Is trying out some of the date ideas in this book going to make me feel more connected to my spouse? Or is thinking loving thoughts about him going to help me feel more connected? Which comes first? Actions or Thoughts?

There’s only one way to find out. Experiment time!

Is there a problem in my relationship? Do I like my relationship?

Create a hypothesis.

Test it.

Draw some conclusions.

Repeat to refine.

It may look like this:

I don’t feel connected to my husband. I plan date nights, try to start conversations, and rub his back. But I still don’t feel connected.

Hypothesis: Maybe the way I’m thinking about him is blocking us feeling connected. This week I will focus on thinking loving thoughts about him. I will think about the ways we are connected.

Draw your own conclusions and then refine. It never has to be EITHER/OR. You can combine loving thoughts and fun activities. But if those actions are coming from a place of LOVE you might find them much more enjoyable.

Or keep doing what you always do. That’s always an option to.

A Changed Heart

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

When I think about the heart, I think about emotions. I think that’s where my feelings reside.

I just finished reading Stiff by Mary Roach. She had a chapter dedicated to determining where in the body the soul resides. Experiments were performed to discover if the soul’s place is strictly in the head/the brain or occupies the whole body.

No conclusive decision was determined. I imagine I’m doing emotions a disservice when I try to confine them to the heart. I know I can feel emotions throughout my body. When I’m afraid, it’s as if my whole body is paralyzed not just my heart. Or maybe it’s my brain sending out a message to my body, “Freeze and no one will notice you.”

We have inward feelings and outward behaviors. Sometimes the two are in sync, but sometimes they are not.

A heart full of love may be giving hugs and writing affectionate letters. Or it may just be feeling love for another person, place, or thing. I can feel love and do nothing. In contrast, I can feel upset or frustrated and still do a loving act like rake your leaves or drive you to a doctor’s appointment. Doing loving things without feeling love is coming more from a place of “I should do this” not “I love you and want to do this.”

What if we can arrive at a place in our heart where love is doing nothing and love is doing all the things you want to do? We can be at peace with both. Not doing something for someone doesn’t diminish our feelings of love. In fact, if we do an act of love without feelings of love, is that really love?

Example: A mother has two children. She loves them both immensely.

Child #1 asks for help with homework. Mother knows that Child #1 can do it alone. She loves him so much she doesn’t help. She allows Child #1 to work through the problems on his own.

Child #2 asks for help with homework. Mother knows that Child #2 really isn’t grasping the concepts. She loves him so much she helps.

Now imagine there is a Child #3 . Child #3 asks for help with homework. Mother is exasperated by this child’s inability to focus. Mother doesn’t want to help but finally gives in to the begging. Mother helps child with the homework but complains and belittles until the homework page is complete.

My main point isn’t trying to decide who is loved most.

The mother that felt love and didn’t help.

The mother that felt love and did help.

The mother that didn’t feel love and helped.

The point of a changed heart is that our inward feelings are in harmony with our outward behavior.

The emotion and the behavior each have a role to play in our lives. Living authentically occurs when the heart is willing to embrace the emotion. I’m feeling sad. I’m extremely happy. I’m scared. I’m confident. Unfortunately we don’t take the time to sit with our authentic emotions.

We put on masks.

I’m happy.

Everything is fine.

I am in control.

I am perfect.

Underneath we have a different truth.

I’m having a hard day.

I can’t do anything right.

I don’t know how to do that.

I am a mess.

So how do we experience that changed heart? The change that allows us to be peaceful when challenges come. The change that allows for love when a family member’s anger is pointed at you. The change that allows for hope when life seems hopeless.

I’ll share three steps:

The first step is to embrace that change is gradual. It’s an ongoing process.

I resolve to not yell at my children anymore. Two hours into the day, I’m yelling at my children. One step forward, two steps back is okay. It’s an intentional, conscious effort to be heading in the direction you desire that matters. Not giving in. Not giving up is what matters.

The second step is to understand your power. Too often we claim victimization to our circumstances.

My neighbor brought over food, so I ate it. My friend is annoying so I can’t hang around her anymore. We don’t have enough money so we can’t go on vacation this year. We become victim to the food, the people, and the money. We don’t have to eat the food. We can let others behave how they want and act how we want instead of reacting. We can experience a vacation without any money.

The third step is to remember your agency. You always have a choice.

I choose to be happy. I choose to be annoyed. I choose to be overwhelmed. I choose to feel joy.

So if you want your heart to be an inward manifestation of your outward behaviors, then embrace that change takes times, understand your power, and remember your agency.

A changed heart happens within.

Mother Knows Best

I recently read a fictional account of a father and son who had a falling out. The daughter/sister was getting married and the mother asked the father to just steer clear of the son. She wanted to avoid confrontation on their daughter’s special day. Unfortunately, the son couldn’t understand his father’s avoidance and wished things were different. Fortunately, the father didn’t follow his wife’s advice. He chose to approach the son and they had a meaningful conversation.

As Mothers we’ve been in our children’s business since they came into this world. We have had to make those decisions about when our children can have snacks, when they should put on a coat, when they’ve played enough video games, and when they should apologize to their sibling. And so much more. We know what’s best for the household to run like a well-oiled machine. Our husbands don’t get a pass even though they are grown adults. We know what is best for them too. I remember my mom telling my dad he couldn’t eat a banana because he would spoil his dinner. He was in his 60s.

While in the midst of reading the fictional book (A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza), I caught myself doing the same thing. My daughter and I share a personal bank account. It’s a carry over from her college days. We both wanted to close the account, but some issues were keeping it from happening.

My husband finally said, “I’m going to call her and have a talk with her.”

I said, “No, I’ll handle it.”

I didn’t want the confrontation between them. I believed I could handle it better. Even though I’d been handling it for over 10 months ineffectively.

I’ve coached Moms who try to buffer between their children and husbands. Why? We think we can handle situations better.

It might be time to question why we are doing this?

My underlying reason was the thought: I can handle this better than he can.

Was that true?

Nope.

Honestly I don’t know if him handling it would have been any better. But it would have given new depth to their relationship. In the fictional account, it allowed father and son to have a much needed conversation.

We choreograph everyone’s movements and then we are upset when things don’t go exactly as intended and get mad at everyone else for not playing their role right. What if it was like 52 card pick up? Let everyone say and be who they want and let the cards fall where they may. Choreographing life is exhausting. Maybe allow others their agency and see what happens. Treat it like an experiment. Give it a real chance.

Mother doesn’t always know best.

Obstacles and Strategies

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

Any time we are reaching for our goals we are going to have obstacles.  Plan on them. 

You can plan for them by developing strategies for the obstacles.

I’ll share with you one of my goals for 2021 and obstacles I’ve encountered and the strategies that will help me overcome them.

GOAL: Eat 80% on protocol this year.  Every night I plan to write down what I am going to eat the following day.  Cumulatively I want to eat what I say I’m going to eat 80% of the time this year.  

Obstacles #1: Don’t write down my protocol ahead of time

*Do The Model for awareness on WHY I’m not writing it down

*Attach writing down my plan with a regular habit (after I get into bed I will record what I’m going to eat the following day)

The Model

Circumstance: Protocol

Thought: If I write it down, I won’t follow through.

Feeling: Disappointed

Action: Don’t write it down, eat whatever I want the next day

Result: I’m not giving myself a chance.)

Sometimes our brains are tricky.  My thought isn’t even true.  The truth is “If I write it down, I will follow through.”  That’s why I’m not writing it down. I don’t want to follow through.  Yet I do.  Otherwise I wouldn’t have made the goal.  So now I need to figure out WHY I do want to follow through and let that thought drive my actions.  

Obstacle #2: Unwilling to feel some emotions: deprived, urges, success, capable. 

*Recognize that I’m just trying to avoid feeling some emotions (deprivation and urges).  Recognize that because I’m not doing it I’m also avoiding other feelings (success and capable.) I am willing to feel disappointed because that’s what I’m choosing to do when I don’t write it down. 

*Focus on the feeling I want to experience (Committed) and decide the thought that will drive that feeling

Thought: I want to develop the skill of keeping my word to myself.

STRATEGIES

1. Post my WHY on sticky notes where I can see them.

2. After I get into bed, write down my protocol for the next day.

3. Be willing to feel deprived and success and committed.

It’s a start.  There will be more obstacles after mastering these- like managing my mind around the thought, “I don’t want to follow this protocol.”

But I know how to plan for them!  

What obstacles are keeping you from achieving your goals?

Peaceful Relationships

I’ve been posting recently about having peaceful relationships.  I really do believe it only takes one person to change the dynamics of a relationship.  

But now I want you to describe what a peaceful relationship looks.  Gazing longingly into each other’s eyes?  Kind, calm words are exchanged?  Agreeable about everything?  

My parents loved each other.  But there was also a lot of arguing going on.  It wasn’t until I was an adult that I gained some perspective on their relationship.  I was reading a book for an anthropology class I was taking and a young Japanese couple and an older Japanese couple were riding a city bus.  The older couple was arguing and the young husband said to his wife, “I can’t believe they are arguing like that.”  The young wife said, “Oh, it sounds like the melody of marriage.”  When I started to look through the lens of my parent’s marriage as their arguing being part of their melody, it gave me a whole new perspective. 

I watch my five grandchildren on Wednesdays.   Occasionally there is discord.  Last week as the two year olds raised their voices…ok,they were yelling at each other…and fought over a toy, I thought, “Oh, that’s the melody of children.”  

We can redefine what a peaceful relationship looks like or even question whether it’s a desirable goal.  We are here on earth having a human experience.  That experience includes feeling all the emotions.  Sometimes we will feel peace…but sometimes we will feel contentious.  

The goal is to be conscious about how we are feeling and acting.  

I like to think, “What would Jesus do?”

He got mad sometimes.  

Sometimes conflict is necessary.

We can look at His life to see what he thought was worth the fight.  

Moneychangers in the temple?  Worth the fight.

Defending Himself when being accused falsely?  Not worth the fight.

The worship of other gods?  Worth the fight.

I’m not encouraging you to bite your tongue or agree with the other person all the time.

I’m inviting you to choose what is worth the fight.

He throws his clothes on the floor right by the hamper?

He doesn’t call when he’s going to be late?

He spends money we don’t have?

Choose one thing this week that’s worth the fight, but let all the other stuff go.  It’s not all worth the fight.  

Spend some time enjoying the melody-the discordant and the harmonious. 

Pause...to Celebrate

October 18 is World Menopause Day.  This wouldn’t be something that would usually catch my eye, but on October 21 (today!) it is one year since Aunt Flo came for her last visit and it feels like something to celebrate.  

I searched for a poem or quote to share but nothing spoke of my experience, so I decided to write some six-word memoirs of my own.  

I know everyone’s experience is individual, so please know I’m only speaking of my own experience. 

(1) Twelve. Excited. Rite of Passage.  Gross.

By the time I started my period, several of my friends were already talking about their experience.  When they’d talk, it would sound like some kind of club I wasn’t a part of.  It was a rite of passage.  I was excited…for a short time.  Until it just became gross and an inconvenience.

(2) Teen.  Endure. Cramps….my style. Is.

From 13-19 years old, it was something I just endured.  Really, what was there to do about it? It came with cramps, moodiness, and the inability to do some of the things I wanted to do.  It just is what it is.

(3) Preparing the egg.  Success.  Mother.  Grateful

It wasn’t easy for me to get pregnant but eventually happened four times.  I became a mother and am so grateful for that gift.

(4) Forty years.  28 days.  Clockwork.  Late.

Seriously, for forty years I was regular (except for pregnancy and newborn time). Every 28 days…until it wasn’t like clockwork.  I don’t know why menopause wasn’t on my mind. 

(5) Panic.  Pregnancy test.  Relief.  Just peri-menopause. 

But I finally went and bought a pregnancy test.  I was relieved when it was negative.  Then I started to think about menopause and maybe that was what I was experiencing.

(6) Read the literature.  Get scared.  Symptoms.

I did the research.  I wanted to know what to expect.  Hot flashes.  Night sweats. Mood swings.  Decreased libido.  Headaches.  Digestive problems.  Fatigue.  Anxiety.  Disrupted sleep.  Hair loss.  Memory lapses.  Difficulty concentrating.  Weight gain.  Well you get the picture.  It wasn’t anything to look forward to.

(7) Question.  Allow hot flashes. Lose 10.

I’d been on a walk with a friend and she was discussing the “Menopause 10” like it was just inevitable to put on weight.  I’d been going through Life Coach certification and was learning about questioning our beliefs.  I wondered if weight gain was just something that happened or was just a thought that led to actions-like overeating. 

I’d had some experience when I was in my 30s when I decided to question the moodiness that came every 28 days like clockwork.  I wondered if it was okay to blame my period for my crankiness or if it was something that I could control.  My experience was that I was choosing to be cranky and that I could choose not to be cranky too.

So I decided to question the weight gain and ended up losing 10 pounds.  Ten pounds that I’d been carrying around for thirty years.  The kind of weight that gets comfortable where it is and likes to linger longer.  

With that under my belt, I decided to tackle the hot flashes.  In Life Coach training we’d been taught to allow feelings.  I wondered if allowing hot flashes would make  a difference.  Emotional vibrations are different than physical sensations, but it was worth a try. 

I’m always cold.  I joked that I looked forward to hot flashes and the warmth that would come with it.  But hot flashes and night sweats weren’t the kind of warm cozy feeling I was expecting.  It felt more like anxiety-a nervous heat.  I didn’t enjoy it.  The hot flashes and night sweats were occurring on a regular basis.  When I started allowing them instead of resisting them, they were only noticeable for 30 seconds or less.  

This is what resisting looked like for me:  I hate these hot flashes.  I shouldn’t be feeling them.  I wish they would go away.  

Result: The heat intensified and stayed longer

This is what allowing looked like for me:  Here it comes.  It’s just a hot flash.  It’s okay.  Nothing has gone wrong.

Result: The heat left quickly and I felt normal again.

It seems simple, but it was a game changer!

As I was doing research, I came across a quote by Staness Jonekos from “The Menopause Makeover: The Ultimate Guide to Taking Control of Your Health and Beauty During Menopause.”  She said, “What you believe can change your experience.”  I’m a believer.  

(8) Menopause.  Excited.  Rite of Passage.  Welcome.

So, here I am.  I am excited.  I’ve come full circle.  It does feel like a rite of passage.  And I say goodbye to the last forty years and WELCOME to what is to come.  

General Conference...Sign Me Up!

Now that I’m a Life Coach I see lots of advertisements inviting me to sign up for Mastermind Groups.  According to Wikipedia, a mastermind group is a “mentoring group used to help members solve their problems with input and advice from the other group members.” When I’ve attended Mastermind Groups,  I think about what questions I have before hand.  I arrive early with my notebook and pen.  I listen intently to everything that is said.  Then I get to work applying what I learned.

That’s why I’m excited this weekend for the Greatest Mastermind Group of all time.  

I have been preparing so that I’m ready to learn.

I’ve been evaluating my life and thinking about questions I’d like answers to.

For one thing, I’ve had a few days recently that have felt heavy.  There are a lot of issues in the world that are troubling to me. Not only that, but part of my personal study time includes reading the Ensign.  The articles for months now have addressed abuse, suicide, depression, anxiety, same-sex attraction, etc.  Then I start to feel depressed because I’m thinking about how much pain and suffering there is in this world.  So, I’ve decided to go into conference feeling gratitude.  I can create a feeling of gratitude with thoughts like “there is so much good in the world too.”  

All the thoughts I’m thinking brought up a scripture verse.  Luke 10:41 “thou art worried and troubled about many things.”  Worry is an indulgent emotion that isn’t serving me at all.  I want to choose “that good part.”  

So I will be listening from a feeling of gratitude.

I’m also thinking about slowing down.  One of the people I follow on Instagram @alisaottesen loves the series “The Chosen.”  In her story one day was a clip from the movie where Jesus was asking the apostle to put down his net and follow Him.  She equated this to “put down your to-do list.”  Sometimes I feel so rushed and hurried about what I want to accomplish and I loved this reminder to slow down.

Earlier this year, one of the Come Follow Me lessons had a link to a performance by Sissel singing “Slow Down.”  As I listened to this song, it spoke to me.  

Give it a listen!

I have such a love for teens and their parents, and I desire to serve them.  So I will be listening for counsel on how to help parents and mentors of teens.

So, I’ve got my notebook and pen.  I’m attending my Mastermind Group/General Conference with an attitude of gratitude and looking for counsel on slowing down and also on how to help parents and teens. And I expect, as usual, there will be so many other take aways that I haven’t even thought of yet.

I’m excited to be joining millions of others seeking inspiration in their lives.  

The Learning Ground

Photo by William Iven on Unsplash

When I stepped foot into kindergarten I didn’t know how to read.  I didn’t have an expectation that I should know how to read.  I didn’t believe I’d know how to read after the first day of school.

Yet in life that is what we do to ourselves.  We expect we should be good at everything.  We should know how to do things.  And if we don’t know how to do something we better master it ASAP.

We forget the hard work that goes into rolling over, scooching on our bellies, army-crawling, standing, taking a few steps, walking, running.  

We think we should have parented each child of ours making no mistakes.  We question our decisions. We blame ourselves or others when things go wrong.

I love the babies progression to a child walking analogy because it’s so easy to wrap our brains around.  The baby tries to walk and falls.  She doesn’t beat herself up for not doing it perfectly on the first try.  She gets up and tries again and again and again.  There might be some tears and scuffed knees, but that’s okay.  

Try to look at parenting that way.  There is going to be some fails.  There are going to be some successes.  There are going to be some try and try agains.  There will probably be some tears and owies, but that’s okay.  

Alma 12:24 says, “Therefore this life became a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God.”

This is our time.  Our time to figure things out.  We weren’t expected to be running from the get-go.  We are learning. This is our learning ground.  Maybe we’ve got some Ds or Fs on our parenting report card.  It’s okay.  We can learn from our experiences.

I’ve been helping my 2nd grader grandson with language arts.  How do you explain how to sound out or spell “enough” or “their” or “busy?”  

Some things just don’t make sense!  And then when we think we are figuring it out, the word “through” comes along. We have to rethink everything we know about the sound “gh” makes.

You know why?  Because this is the learning ground.  What we learn with one kid doesn’t apply to the next child.  Just when we think we have things figured out, we learn something new.

Being Eternal Life material is going to be no joke.  So we can only assume the curriculum to get us there is going to be no joke.  Fortunately we have a very patient and kind Teacher who knows the lesson plan and wants us to succeed.  

Don’t plan on making straight As.  Don’t plan on never being late to class.  Don’t plan on being the most popular kid in the school.  Plan on it being a learning experience.  One where you keep building upon what you’ve learned before.  If you are doing that, just know that you are doing it right.