I recently read a fictional account of a father and son who had a falling out. The daughter/sister was getting married and the mother asked the father to just steer clear of the son. She wanted to avoid confrontation on their daughter’s special day. Unfortunately, the son couldn’t understand his father’s avoidance and wished things were different. Fortunately, the father didn’t follow his wife’s advice. He chose to approach the son and they had a meaningful conversation.
As Mothers we’ve been in our children’s business since they came into this world. We have had to make those decisions about when our children can have snacks, when they should put on a coat, when they’ve played enough video games, and when they should apologize to their sibling. And so much more. We know what’s best for the household to run like a well-oiled machine. Our husbands don’t get a pass even though they are grown adults. We know what is best for them too. I remember my mom telling my dad he couldn’t eat a banana because he would spoil his dinner. He was in his 60s.
While in the midst of reading the fictional book (A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza), I caught myself doing the same thing. My daughter and I share a personal bank account. It’s a carry over from her college days. We both wanted to close the account, but some issues were keeping it from happening.
My husband finally said, “I’m going to call her and have a talk with her.”
I said, “No, I’ll handle it.”
I didn’t want the confrontation between them. I believed I could handle it better. Even though I’d been handling it for over 10 months ineffectively.
I’ve coached Moms who try to buffer between their children and husbands. Why? We think we can handle situations better.
It might be time to question why we are doing this?
My underlying reason was the thought: I can handle this better than he can.
Was that true?
Nope.
Honestly I don’t know if him handling it would have been any better. But it would have given new depth to their relationship. In the fictional account, it allowed father and son to have a much needed conversation.
We choreograph everyone’s movements and then we are upset when things don’t go exactly as intended and get mad at everyone else for not playing their role right. What if it was like 52 card pick up? Let everyone say and be who they want and let the cards fall where they may. Choreographing life is exhausting. Maybe allow others their agency and see what happens. Treat it like an experiment. Give it a real chance.
Mother doesn’t always know best.
