Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash
When I think about the heart, I think about emotions. I think that’s where my feelings reside.
I just finished reading Stiff by Mary Roach. She had a chapter dedicated to determining where in the body the soul resides. Experiments were performed to discover if the soul’s place is strictly in the head/the brain or occupies the whole body.
No conclusive decision was determined. I imagine I’m doing emotions a disservice when I try to confine them to the heart. I know I can feel emotions throughout my body. When I’m afraid, it’s as if my whole body is paralyzed not just my heart. Or maybe it’s my brain sending out a message to my body, “Freeze and no one will notice you.”
We have inward feelings and outward behaviors. Sometimes the two are in sync, but sometimes they are not.
A heart full of love may be giving hugs and writing affectionate letters. Or it may just be feeling love for another person, place, or thing. I can feel love and do nothing. In contrast, I can feel upset or frustrated and still do a loving act like rake your leaves or drive you to a doctor’s appointment. Doing loving things without feeling love is coming more from a place of “I should do this” not “I love you and want to do this.”
What if we can arrive at a place in our heart where love is doing nothing and love is doing all the things you want to do? We can be at peace with both. Not doing something for someone doesn’t diminish our feelings of love. In fact, if we do an act of love without feelings of love, is that really love?
Example: A mother has two children. She loves them both immensely.
Child #1 asks for help with homework. Mother knows that Child #1 can do it alone. She loves him so much she doesn’t help. She allows Child #1 to work through the problems on his own.
Child #2 asks for help with homework. Mother knows that Child #2 really isn’t grasping the concepts. She loves him so much she helps.
Now imagine there is a Child #3 . Child #3 asks for help with homework. Mother is exasperated by this child’s inability to focus. Mother doesn’t want to help but finally gives in to the begging. Mother helps child with the homework but complains and belittles until the homework page is complete.
My main point isn’t trying to decide who is loved most.
The mother that felt love and didn’t help.
The mother that felt love and did help.
The mother that didn’t feel love and helped.
The point of a changed heart is that our inward feelings are in harmony with our outward behavior.
The emotion and the behavior each have a role to play in our lives. Living authentically occurs when the heart is willing to embrace the emotion. I’m feeling sad. I’m extremely happy. I’m scared. I’m confident. Unfortunately we don’t take the time to sit with our authentic emotions.
We put on masks.
I’m happy.
Everything is fine.
I am in control.
I am perfect.
Underneath we have a different truth.
I’m having a hard day.
I can’t do anything right.
I don’t know how to do that.
I am a mess.
So how do we experience that changed heart? The change that allows us to be peaceful when challenges come. The change that allows for love when a family member’s anger is pointed at you. The change that allows for hope when life seems hopeless.
I’ll share three steps:
The first step is to embrace that change is gradual. It’s an ongoing process.
I resolve to not yell at my children anymore. Two hours into the day, I’m yelling at my children. One step forward, two steps back is okay. It’s an intentional, conscious effort to be heading in the direction you desire that matters. Not giving in. Not giving up is what matters.
The second step is to understand your power. Too often we claim victimization to our circumstances.
My neighbor brought over food, so I ate it. My friend is annoying so I can’t hang around her anymore. We don’t have enough money so we can’t go on vacation this year. We become victim to the food, the people, and the money. We don’t have to eat the food. We can let others behave how they want and act how we want instead of reacting. We can experience a vacation without any money.
The third step is to remember your agency. You always have a choice.
I choose to be happy. I choose to be annoyed. I choose to be overwhelmed. I choose to feel joy.
So if you want your heart to be an inward manifestation of your outward behaviors, then embrace that change takes times, understand your power, and remember your agency.
A changed heart happens within.
